Deutschlands, deutschlands, uberalles....

Updated: Click here for Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, and Day Five.

Last week I went vacationing in Germany to visit my best friend Sharyn. She has been living in Frieburg, Germany for the last year and it was high time I get to see her again. You can catch up with her wacky adventures at her blog, Swithy in Ausland. It's the most entertaining blog this side of The Matt-Cave (though she could stand to mention our week long adventures a bit more than one stinkin' paragraph). Oh well, I guess I'll have to go on endlessly about the trip for both of us. What follows is a detailed story of my time in Germany. But don't worry, kids. This book's got pictures.

America















I'm about to depart for Germany. Diran is upset to see me leave. Freakishly upset. She calls me on my cell while I am at the airport. We talk about the London bombings that happened that morning. "So try not to die, Maffy," she says. Thanks, Diane.

Sharyn's Apartment



















After 10 hours of travel I arrive in Germany. Sharyn is waiting to greet me. She looks creepily amused to see me. Like Dakota Fanning-creepy.

Freiburg



















Sharyn shows me around Freiburg, a small city where she is one of 10 people between 20 and 28. Not boring at all! Here Sharyn poses in front on the Munsterplatz, a cobblestoned city-center that often houses street markets and fairs.

Freiburg



















Here I am on the Munsterplatz in front of a German-looking building. I like posing in Germany.

Freiburg



















There are small canals running throuhout the city, like the one pictured on the left at my feet. Legend has it, if you step in one you have to marry a Freiburger. Suffice it to say I stayed far, far away from those things. Except in this alley. Germany is filled with little alleyways like this. Alleys get me excited because they are so cute. Don't I look like the German Mary Tyler Moore?

Weiner Cafe















Sightseeing makes me thirsty. Luckily there is no shortage of refreshment at Weiner Cafe. I like pretty German cocktails. And I'll tell you so. Before swallowing your face.

Weiner Cafe















I also like pretty German Sharyn. Notice that I am wearing my watch in this picture. I seemed to have lost that watch in Germany at some point. It was the coolest thing I've ever owned and was given to me by someone very special, so it kills me to think it might be lost. But this is the last picture in which it appears. Sharyn, it has GOT to be at that cafe! Find it for me!

Weiner Cafe















When I get drunk, I can't help but vouge. And these Mai-Tai's pack an aggressive punch, much like the Germans themselves. Strike a pose!

Sharyn's Apartment















Sharyn is pooped from our first day of fun. She sleeps on a matress on her floor in her tiny room with no decorations and no furniture. For dinner parties she makes her guests sit on suitcases. Ghetto Fab!

Day Two

Freiburg















I make a concerted effort to eat as many traditionally German foods as possible while visiting. Here I am eating bratwurst in the traditional German manner: like a pervert!

Freiburg















Sharyn tries to look pretty for the picture. She often fails though. But it isn't her fault. Long ago a gypsy placed a curse on her. Now, every photo she takes turns out startlingly "off." Don't believe me? Just keep reading.

Schwartzwald















We travel into the Black Forest in search of tchotchkes for Diane. I stop to admire how peaceful I look in front of the lake. This is the Titi See. "See" means Lake in German. I'm not sure what "Titi" means, but I can guess!

Schwartzwald















Get it?!? Titi Lake! Haha!

Schwartzwald















Sharyn tries to smile for the camera in front of the picturesque little mountain town along the lake. Unfortunately she looks like a whiney little baby with a constipation problem. It's too bad, because, she really does look lovely today. Damn that gypsy curse!

Kuchen Party















These are the remains of apple and chocolate cakes. Every day at 4pm, we like to stop into a cafe and have ourselves a Kuchen Party. That means a "cake party." Much like the British love tea, Germans love cake. And power. But cake is easier to purchase at 4pm in a small village.

Schwartzwald















I am waving goodbye to the Schwartzwald while wearing a necklace I brought for Sharyn. If you think it looks handsome on me, you should see it on Sharyn. Makes her look like a young Bea Arthur. Makes me look like young Charles Nelson Reilly. And of course my limp-wristed "Auf Wiedersehen" doesn't help.

Day Three

Europa Park















Sharyn and I go to Europa Park, Germany's answer to EuroDisney (which in itself is Paris' answer to DisneyWorld, so you can imagine what we're dealing with here). The park is spilt up into sections themed like the countires of the EU. In Germany, I take a picture with Europa Elefant, rather than Europa Maus because I realized that Maus is a not-so-cleverly disguised knock-off of Mickey Mouse and I do not support copyright infringement. Plus big plush elephants are cute and serve to make me look adorable through association. Whatever it takes baby!

Europa Park















Speaking of infringement, I find that everything in Europa Park is stolen directly from Disney. From Greece, I point with incredulity towards the dome in the middle of the park ripped off from Epcot Center, complete with a history of science ride inside. The more we explore of the park the more we realize how little originality the park's creative developers actually had. Everything is an exact replica of a ride from Disney, minus the budget, and somehow shoe-horned into celebrating Europe's history of colonialism (yet not a single mention of the Holocaust, go figure). The Pirates of the Caribbean becomes The Pirates of Batavia, as evil pirates attack an honorable Dutch colony in India. The Tea Cups become Koffie Kopjes, spinning coffee cups honoring the brave colonialists who enslaved whole peoples for coffee plantations. The Haunted House becomes... well... a haunted house, but rather than Disney's fancy holographic special effects Europa Park has stuffed animals. Germans are a thrifty people.

Europa Park















I pose weirdly while standing in front of what we secretly dubbed "the Alley of Shame." Here are signs describing all the newly added European Union members not important enough to have their own section of the park. "They have a plaque," says Europa Maus. "That's all they deserve." That guy's a jerk, (and possibly a Nazi). I stand next to a sign describing Lithuania. I guess their history isn't romantic enough to be immortalized through the puppetry of stuffed animals. Poor Lithuania. Can't catch a break.

Europa Park



















Oh, no! Could that be the Mir Space Station about the crush Sharyn in Russia? Why, yes it is! About 5 years ago, Europa Park bought the original Mir Space Station and it now sits as a reminder of past glory and excitement of the Space Race and proves that Russia was once important for some reason. I hope Sharyn survives the crash!

Eurpoa Park















Sharyn survives to send me funny looks in Spain. Is her expression from the shock of digging her way out of the wreckage? Or is it the Gypsy Curse strking again?