State of the Union - Live Blogging!

It's The Matt-Cave's first ever Live Blogging edition. This is me writing in real time while watching the State of the Union. This should be fun. Or completely incomprehensible. You be the judge. Let's see if he mentioned going to Mars this time. Here we go!

9:12 - Starts off with Iraq of course.

9:15 - Yay for troops.

9:18 - With our troops pre-occupied with the occupation, should we really be taunting Iran so much? Don't they have, like, 17 Nuclear weapons or something thanks to this administration's bungling? We were lied to to go to Iraq, I can't imagine we're going to listen to him on Iran this time around.

9:20 - It's NU-KLEE-ER! Argh!!!!

9:23 - Yum, I love turkey meatballs.

9:24 - Enemies everywhere. No one in America is safe. Blah blah blah. Heard all this before.

9:25 - Just tell us when the troops can start coming home for good! That's all America wants to hear right now.

9:27 - I miss Bill Clinton so much during these addresses.

9:28 - I"m confused how did he get from African villagers dying of AIDS to a need to re-authorize the Patriot Act.

9:35 - He's actually mentioning the spying. I assumed he would glance over it in vague terms but he's trying to explain himself. Of course Bush explains by lying. No other president has ever allowed unauthorized wiretapping without a warrant. But of course that warrant business is too technical for Bush to mention.

9:37 - Hillary seems almost amused by Bush's spy-talk. I'm sure she can barely believe the crap she's hearing.

9:40 - Economy. Bush says yay for immigrants. Of course he's thinking more along the lines of plantations.

9:39 - Tax cuts. Uh-oh! They are about to expire! Better make them permanent. Can't let Big Oil pay their fair share or anything.

9:40 - Eliminating non-essential programs. He means arts programs and after-school programs, and all these other programs that thousands of Americans depend on everyday. But they are non-essential.

9:42 - Haha! Bush Sr. does love Bill Clinton.

9:45 - Dems just stood up and applauded because Bush mentioned how the Dems saved Social Security.

9:46 - Oh, but he still wants to talk about it. You think he would not mention one of his biggest failures in his presidency. But than again he can't stop talking about 9/11, either.

9:47 - No commercial break yet?!?!

9:48 - Affordable healthcare? Oh he means providing accounts to put your own money away for health concerns with a small tax write off. That just doesn't work at a time when Americans' savings are the lowest they have been since the Great Depression.

9:49 - Alternative energy sources. Doesn't he bring this up every year? With no change? Didn't he one time mention how he was going to invent a hydrogen-powered car within 10 years? Yeah, he stopped talking about that the very next day.

9:50 - Dependence on Mid-East oil a thing of the past. (But just in case, I now own all of it.)

9:51 - Lynn Cheney is sitting with some little fat girl who is extremely uninterested in Bush. Can't blame her.

9:52 - Education initiative time. (He's flying through this.) I love when he mentions these great programs that tomorrow he'll cut the budget of.

9:54 - A quiet transformation? That's secret religious talk! Can't fool me. Abortions being at an all-time low has nothing to do with your quasi-Christian programs or your "culture of life." It is about higher standard of living and better access to the proper tools needed for childcare and childbirth. Thanks to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

9:57 - Booooo, Alito! Boo Congress for confirming him!

9:58 - Laura Bush is in charge of youth programs again. At least he didn't mention her extensive work with gangs again. So embarrassing last year.

10:00 - And he just mentioned New Orleans and Katrina now. Took him a whole hour? Jeez. Kanye West was right. No mention of regret, or mistakes though.

10:01 - AIDS medicine for everyone. I think he said most black people have AIDS, like, three times just now.

10:02 - He's wrapping up. I think he's finally learned that only 30% of America can stand the sight of his lying face.

10:03 - All done. That was short and yet bitter. Huge divide amongst the Dems and Brotherhood of Evil Party evidenced in their standing and applauding patterns.

10:04 - No Mars. Oh well. God bless America!