American idolatry...

A friend of mine burned me a copy of the new Kelly Clarkson CD recently and I finally got around to listening to it for the first time this week. I've not-so-secretly loved Ms. Clarkson from afar since she first won America's heart by being crowned the First American Idol, the closest thing to royalty we have in this country. Last summer I saw her on tour with Clay Aitken, who though he did not officially win will one day become the Second American Idol should Reuben Studdard ever pose nude for Playboy (I've got my fingers crossed!)and I loved her.

Perhaps it was the cheap effects of colored lights shining down on a smoke-filled stage, perhaps it was the natural high I enjoyed from the over-stimulation of 10,000 screaming teenage girls surrounding me, or perhaps it was a blow to the head from the cadre of soccer moms who stormed the stage as Clay Aitken went by, but I feel in love with Ms. Clarkson that night. A decent voice, a sweet smile, and a set of unconventionally-wide hips made her seem human amongst the poorly-constructed facade of masculinity Clay tried to pull off. Sorry, Clay but no one is going to be tricked into thinking you are some powerful male. Kelly seemed so honest and real by comparison. So my love for this big-hipped Southern yokel began to blossom that day.

So I got my bootlegged copy of Kelly's CD (oh come off, it Kel, you could stand to miss a few meals anyway) and I was all set for a fun pop album with lots of spunk, as displayed in her hit single from the album, Since You've Been Gone. That song is about anger and emancipation, two things I can get behind, and with an addictive rhythm better than most pop music, it's hard not to love it. I expected more of the same.

What I got instead was a whole lot of pain and self-loathing wrapped in a rock package. Her lyrics echo with the haunt of lost love, a raging isolation, and an inability to move on. It is tragic. But with lyrics like "I hate myself for loving you" screaming over roaring guitars, it's impossible not to love her. I found myself tearing up listening to things like "Because of you / I find it hard to rust not only me / But everyone around me" and "I'm ashamed of my life / because it's so empty." It's heartbreaking and I fear for her mental health. I hope these songs are cathartic for her to work past these issues or she gets some therapy. I just want to throw my arms around her and tell it everything's going to be alright. I'm such a baby, I know. Now I'm sure Kelly Clarkson did not write all of this music by herself, but she personalizes it all in such a way to remove any doubt that she is feeling these things. After listening to this CD, I want to be her best friend. So Kelly, if you're out there and you need to talk, call me. We'll get through it together.