The Matt-Cave Dictionary, First Edition...

Crash ('krash) noun: A hoax manipulation that causes people to believe you are worth much more than you truly are. Example- By wearing my sunglasses all night, he didn't notice my lazy eye and I got his number. It was a total crash!*

Brokeback ('brOk-'bak) verb: The act of getting fucked up the ass, with nothing to show for it. Example- So I'm out with this guy having a great time. He comes back to my place, and we're, ya know, doing it Jack Twist-style, right? Well, he leave the next day and I never hear from him again. I was totally brokebacked. That's Jack Nasty!

*Editor's note- Matt Coleman does not have a lazy eye. This was an example to both illustrate a point, as well as amuse.

Bada-bing: A Joisey Boyee Theatrical Event

Friday night I saw Jersey Boys on Broadway. I was out with a friend trying to find some last minute rush tickets to a show, and this was the best we could do. I heard some surprisingly non-hate filled buzz about this jukebox musical chronicling the careers of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, so thought it could be fun-ish.

I'll admit right up front, I'm not the audience for these cookie-cutter pre-packaged musicals that present overly-familiar pop songs sung by overly-untalented performers. Jersey Boys is only slightly less formulaic in that there are a few on stage who actually deserve to be there.

The show is a very VH1 Behind the Music type story of how four guys from Jersey got together to make some really great music. There wasn't too much scandal or drama. A marriage falls apart because of frequent touring. One member has a gambling problem that leads way too much stage time given to bad New York actors with bad New York accents parading around as gangsters. The story lacks much of a dramatic punch and everything about the writing screams "here's this dialogue, now give me my paycheck." There were some heartfelt monologues at the end of the second act that would have been touching had anything of equal substance appeared before intermission.

The guy playing Frankie Valli though does a near-perfect impression of the singers unique vocal talents, but never falls into the parody trap. He creates his own character, one of only two that appear on stage all night. This guy may actually go places. Hell, even Linda Lavin was in It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman: The Musical. Every star has at least one item on their resume they'll have to deny one day.

The true theatrical experience for me that night was more of a meta-theater event, with the audience entertaining me more than the show. Sitting in the back of the orchestra section, I had perfect view of most of the crowd and about 20 minutes into the performance I realized just about every seat was filled with a housewife from Hackensack. My first clue that I was surrounded by Jerseyians came when a women turned around and asked us to stop vibrating. We told her that was not me, but the vibrations from something we in the city call a subway. A few moments later, an actor said a line something akin to "Heeey, oooh, Bada-bing, ya know what I'm sayin? Johnny from Belleville ovah here!" At the mention of a Jersey placename, half the crowd went wild. "Yah Belleville! Wooo!" as if it was a personal shout-out at a rock concert. Lines like "Heeey, Ooooh, Bada-bing. We settle this with a handshake- it's called a Jersey contract," elicited explosive applause from the audience who shouted things right back like "Yah, Jersey-style baby!" I couldn't tell which was worse: the writing that insisted on starting every other line with "heeey, oooh, bada-bing" or the crowd thinking that was real-life in Jersey.

To top off the experience, someone noticed during the intermission that James Gandolfini was in the audience. I have never seen such hysteria so close up before. Everyone in the house started screaming things like "oh my Gawd, it's Tony Soprano!" and "this is amazing, I love The Soprano's" to no one in particular. I don't think any of them knew the man's real name. It took 2 house managers and ushers to subdue people back into their seats to start the second act.

As true blue Jersey boy, I felt the entire theater from audience to stage was filled with one cliche after another. I was embarrassed for these people. They must have thought Jersey Boys was the cultural event of the year for them. These are the kinds of people who will insist that Wicked changed their lives. After the show we ran out of there as fast as possible, while the rest of the crowd, I assume, piled onto a bus to take them all back to Paterson, New Jersey.

Woooo! Paterson in the house! Bada-boom!

My true colors shining through...

I recently bought myself an adorable baby blue puffy winter coat from United Colors of Benetton. For weeks I had been spying this coat in the window of the Benetton store on the corner of Broadway and 8th Street while waiting for my roommate. Finally I broke down and purchased it on sale. I love a good sale. Half price, baby!

I love my new coat and wear it any chance I get, which in this unseasonably warm winter weather isn't nearly often enough. But not everyone loves it as much as I do. Last Wednesday I was walking home from the comic book store when I passed two gruff men walking in the opposite direction. As I passed, I overheard one guy say to his friend, "Look at that big blue coat. What a fat f---ing faggot!"

I was instantly offended and hurt. But not by what you might think. I swear to you the first thing that crossed my mind was "he thinks this coat makes me look fat!" It took a moment to realize I was called a fag and that I should be pissed off by that. But honestly it didn't bother me all that much. Maybe it's because I've gotten called names like that plenty of times before, or that I live in NY and know that homos are in the majority. Derogatory comments about my weight however destroy me.

If that doesn't make me the biggest faggot ever, than I don't know what does!

State of the Union - Live Blogging!

It's The Matt-Cave's first ever Live Blogging edition. This is me writing in real time while watching the State of the Union. This should be fun. Or completely incomprehensible. You be the judge. Let's see if he mentioned going to Mars this time. Here we go!

9:12 - Starts off with Iraq of course.

9:15 - Yay for troops.

9:18 - With our troops pre-occupied with the occupation, should we really be taunting Iran so much? Don't they have, like, 17 Nuclear weapons or something thanks to this administration's bungling? We were lied to to go to Iraq, I can't imagine we're going to listen to him on Iran this time around.

9:20 - It's NU-KLEE-ER! Argh!!!!

9:23 - Yum, I love turkey meatballs.

9:24 - Enemies everywhere. No one in America is safe. Blah blah blah. Heard all this before.

9:25 - Just tell us when the troops can start coming home for good! That's all America wants to hear right now.

9:27 - I miss Bill Clinton so much during these addresses.

9:28 - I"m confused how did he get from African villagers dying of AIDS to a need to re-authorize the Patriot Act.

9:35 - He's actually mentioning the spying. I assumed he would glance over it in vague terms but he's trying to explain himself. Of course Bush explains by lying. No other president has ever allowed unauthorized wiretapping without a warrant. But of course that warrant business is too technical for Bush to mention.

9:37 - Hillary seems almost amused by Bush's spy-talk. I'm sure she can barely believe the crap she's hearing.

9:40 - Economy. Bush says yay for immigrants. Of course he's thinking more along the lines of plantations.

9:39 - Tax cuts. Uh-oh! They are about to expire! Better make them permanent. Can't let Big Oil pay their fair share or anything.

9:40 - Eliminating non-essential programs. He means arts programs and after-school programs, and all these other programs that thousands of Americans depend on everyday. But they are non-essential.

9:42 - Haha! Bush Sr. does love Bill Clinton.

9:45 - Dems just stood up and applauded because Bush mentioned how the Dems saved Social Security.

9:46 - Oh, but he still wants to talk about it. You think he would not mention one of his biggest failures in his presidency. But than again he can't stop talking about 9/11, either.

9:47 - No commercial break yet?!?!

9:48 - Affordable healthcare? Oh he means providing accounts to put your own money away for health concerns with a small tax write off. That just doesn't work at a time when Americans' savings are the lowest they have been since the Great Depression.

9:49 - Alternative energy sources. Doesn't he bring this up every year? With no change? Didn't he one time mention how he was going to invent a hydrogen-powered car within 10 years? Yeah, he stopped talking about that the very next day.

9:50 - Dependence on Mid-East oil a thing of the past. (But just in case, I now own all of it.)

9:51 - Lynn Cheney is sitting with some little fat girl who is extremely uninterested in Bush. Can't blame her.

9:52 - Education initiative time. (He's flying through this.) I love when he mentions these great programs that tomorrow he'll cut the budget of.

9:54 - A quiet transformation? That's secret religious talk! Can't fool me. Abortions being at an all-time low has nothing to do with your quasi-Christian programs or your "culture of life." It is about higher standard of living and better access to the proper tools needed for childcare and childbirth. Thanks to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

9:57 - Booooo, Alito! Boo Congress for confirming him!

9:58 - Laura Bush is in charge of youth programs again. At least he didn't mention her extensive work with gangs again. So embarrassing last year.

10:00 - And he just mentioned New Orleans and Katrina now. Took him a whole hour? Jeez. Kanye West was right. No mention of regret, or mistakes though.

10:01 - AIDS medicine for everyone. I think he said most black people have AIDS, like, three times just now.

10:02 - He's wrapping up. I think he's finally learned that only 30% of America can stand the sight of his lying face.

10:03 - All done. That was short and yet bitter. Huge divide amongst the Dems and Brotherhood of Evil Party evidenced in their standing and applauding patterns.

10:04 - No Mars. Oh well. God bless America!

We use to be friends a long time ago...

It was just announced this morning that underdog TV channels UPN and WB will cease their independent broadcast in September and merge to form one new network, called the CW. It's assumed that it stands for CBS and Warner Bros., the two companies that owned UPN and the WB respectively, and will own the new network 50-50.

Immediately this news brought on panic for all the great shows that now exist between the 2 networks. Ok, really, I only cared about Veronica Mars (my new favorite) and Gilmore Girls (an old standby), but there are some other TV shows that must be considered. Such as Smallville (you would think I would watch it regularly, considering my love of all things Superman, but I never started as it was opposite Buffy for some time) and um... well... okay maybe that's it. These three shows were mentioned in the announcement as being on the soon-to-announced schedule, so we do not have to fear their cancellation. But if you're a Reba or Twins fan (I'm looking at you, Sharyn), I would start that letter-writing campaign now. Two networks broadcasting full primetime schedules condensing itself to one network means that at least half of the garbage on these channels will be gone.

But maybe this will be a good move for both. Each has had some success with certain shows over the years. Maybe now they can distill their line down to something consistent and strong. And at the very least, I feel Veronica Mars won't have a UPN stigma to it. I've always felt Veronica belonged amongst The WB crowd anyway.