What I did on my weekend vacation Part 1...

This past weekend I went home to New Jersey to visit my family. Secretly, the reason I crossed the river was to go to Target with my mother to purchase a Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. I was first introduced to this amazing device during a friend's surprise party. Shouting "Surprise!" was followed by a confetti explosion. A few minutes later, with a glass of champagne in hand, the birthday girl brought out the Shark and sucked up the confetti one-handed! To me it was the highlight of the party and I have been dreaming of a Shark ever since. So began my New Jersey adventure.

Before going to my parents house, I first met up with my best friends Steve and Raelyn who live in Jersey City for Indian food and a cheesy movie, though in hindsight we might have been better served going for cheesy food and an Indian movie. We walked along Jersey City's "Little India" street to find a decent Indian restaurant. Apparently Mr. Patel owns the entire block (Patel-Mart, Patel Video, etc.). We settled on one place solely because of the waterfall in the window. Hell, with a budget big enough to afford a waterfall, they must be doing something right. It would seem others felt the same way. The place was filled with young, white kids (some of which we even knew) seduced by the spectacle of rushing water past a window. Kudos to their Marketing Director, Mr. Patel. We made the mistake of mentioning that we were in a rush. This seemed to offend someone, because we had to ask for our food 3 times. What food I was able to stop and savor was delicious, but have you ever tried to eat an order of Chicken Vindaloo in less than 10 minutes? It is not recommended. With our movie starting soon, we asked for the check. Four times. I've never seen anyone concentrate on adding up a $40 check longer than our waiter, Mr. Patel.

In the car, we raced toward the movie theater to see The Wedding Date. Debra Messing was getting married and we were going to be late! The very idea was too much to bear! Against all the basic properties of physics, Steve drove from Jersey City to Elizabeth in 20 minutes. We developed one of our perfect schemes of splitting up with the greatest efficiency to park/pick-up tickets/get a large vat of Diet Coke. Our detailed planning panned out and we made it just in time to see Debra sleep with some hooker and fall in love. It was Pretty Woman meets My Best Friend's Wedding meets Every Predictable Romantic Comedy. It was fun and cheesy and probably a waste of money, but I learned some valuable lessons. For one, prostitutes rarely worry about STD's and are, oh, so loveable. And for another, you should never sit in the movie theater next to two fat ladies in oversized t-shirts, stretch pants, and scrunci; chances are they are going to be eating buffalo wings with a grotesque zeal that can only charitablely be called unlady-like. Between smell of the vinegar, and the audible sucking of their saucy fingers, I spent most of the movie trying to curl up to Raelyn to get as far from these former beauty queens as possible.

Afterwards, we discussed the many benefits of the movie. High on the list was Dermot Mulroney's ass and Debra's hair. Maybe that was just my list, but I could watch those two things do anything for two hours. I was dropped off to my parents' house in Kearny. My parents and my brother, Sean, went to bed within minutes of my arrival; I stayed up with Seanie's girlfriend, Fanny. You all know her. We watched crappy late night TV and I told her all about my Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. It was only Friday night, but I was determined to get it. And get my Mom to pay for it.