George Bush: Cock-eyed optimist...

Just once I'd like the president to come out and say: "Quite frankly, the Union could be in a much better state. It's not doing too good." But it always seems to be going very well in the president's estimation. Maybe we always seem to elect optimists.

For those of you who made it through all yesterday's State of the Union address, I'm sure you know by know the president covered very little new ground. Mostly he spent time on the usual list that we have grown accustomed to or expect. Iraq is a huge success, trial lawyers and activist judges are the reason you have no job or health insurance, let's all agree to hate gays, let's all agree to like black folk, etc. Pretty routine stuff.

He added a new one to this list last night. The president proposed a radical new change to social security: eliminating all security from the program. For everyone 55 and over, you're in the clear. He promised nothing would change. For everyone else, benefits would be reduced when we come of old-age. Oh, but those Republican sweethearts are nice enough to allow us to then put some of our money and put it into the stock market. How nice of them! It's all the buy-in of a 401 K plan with none of the flexibility or security! This is the same terrible predatory worldview that outfits every check-cashing place with lottery machines. The stock market is a gamble, with the only guaranteed winners the brokers whose fees we'll all be paying and men like the president who hate Social Security for moral reasons. Bush lied about the program's outlook in 2042 becoming bankrupt and exhausted. That's just not true by anyone's measurements. There is no crisis that requires any more than small adjustments. The only things bankrupt and exhausted here are the President's ethics. I suggest investing in shares for candles and cat food now if you want any hope of a return on your retirement fund.

There were a few other mentions in the State of the Union that caught me by surprise and were just laughable. The best moment came when he announced that the First Lady is now in charge of gangs in the country. "Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at-risk youth, which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports. And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our First Lady, Laura Bush." At this point, people started to puzzlingly clap as Laura stood up and started to curtsey. Look out, all you bitches. Polly Pocket is in the hizzouse. Hollah!