How the gas-guzzler stole Christmas...

Every year my Grandma buys Hess trucks for all ten of her grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. We all know those toy trucks from their endlessly recycled commercial with the children's choir singing "My Boyfriend's Back" substituting the lyric "boyfriend" with "Hess truck." Each year they roll out a new truck--or helicopter, or space shuttle (seriously)--and each year since I've been born my Grandma has gotten me one for Christmas.

It's always fun to see what over the top gadgets the Hess company plans on putting on its toys. Last year, the massive 18-wheeler featured an internally illuminated box trailer that stacked two mini racing cars, cashing in on the popularity of NASCAR. The year prior, the flatbed tractor-trailer had a pullout ramp for the enclosed crop-duster, cashing in on the popularity of insecticides.

I have an entire collection and though I am much too old to play with these trucks, it's a tradition that I cherish. But this year Hess is ruining Christmas for everyone. Or at least everyone who has a toy truck-loving Grandma and a conscience.

It's the 40th Anniversary of the Hess truck and this year's model is a Hummer! Specifically the toy model is described as the 2004 Hess Sport Utility Vehicle with Motorcycles. The toys details include chrome bumpers, grille and running boards, a sunroof, all terrain tires, and a rear spoiler. A push button on the rear roof releases the tailgate, which folds down to become a ramp for the two sport motorcycles inside.

Did Hess consider the ethics that as a gas company, perhaps they should think twice about depicting a gas-guzzling environmental hazard as their signature holiday toy truck? Besides being over-priced, less safe, and more fuel-inefficient than all other vehicles, the Sports Utility Vehicle is also misnamed, as they are not at all sporty and offer utilities few ever use. I find SUVs, Hummer's especially, repugnant and those who own them morally bankrupt. It's all I can do when I spot a Hummer parked across 3 parking spaces on the street to keep myself from slashing the tires. I just tell myself, people don't buy SUVs and erode the health of the environment, assholes do.

So does this make my Grandma as asshole? I don't think so. She'll buy us all Hess trucks again this Christmas. And I'll uncomfortably accept and thank her for it and tell her I love her. I just hate that environmental politics and ethical quagmires can creep into even the most innocent of family traditions.

But the good news is that the Energizer batteries are still included.