A long time to wait, on a line reaching far, far away...

Last night I went to see a midnight showing of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and I am exhausted (and not just from the length of that title). After waiting for the movie to start for four hours and getting home after three in the morning, three hours of sweet, sweet sleep is not enough. I went with my younger brother Seanie, his girlfriend Fanny, and our cousin Andrew. Technically, we sent Seanie and Fanny on ahead to get a good spot in line. When Andrew and I arrived, there were about 800 crazed Star Wars freaks standing out in the cold, too many of whom were dressed up as Jedi knights and Sith lords. There were tons of guys with lightsabers flailing about and attacking one another. Grown men running around having lightsaber duels, colored plastic clashing against colored plastic. Very scary. Normally I would not be so intimidated by these sorts of guys, mainly because I'm wily and I can easily outrun any one of these hefty cheese dog-loving couch-potatoes. But in such sheer numbers, they might be able to take me.

I wasn't looking forward to this movie as much as everyone else in line seemed to be. The last two films were often dumb and sometimes even ludicrous. Getting bored in line I found myself loudly stating things to get a rise out of the Darth Vader-clad fanatics. Things like "hey, I hope Jar Jar Binks plays a more prominent role in this one. His quirky brand of humor adds just the right lighthearted tone to these movies!" or "that Hayden Christianson is so hot. When he comes on-screen, I'll show you all my lightsaber." From their collective response of awkward silence I concluded that the campy and the homoerotic seemed to be lost on this particular group.

Luckily, the theater manager, a boy named Louis who couldn't have been much older than 15, decided to smile upon us by letting us sit down in the theatre around 10pm. Only two hours to wait. We tried to pass the time with repeated trips to the bathroom and runs to the concessions stand where sodas, hotdogs, and popcorn were only $1. But that only worked for so long. I made a mental note to talk to Louis about getting a Dance Dance Revolution machine for the lobby. Sleep was slowly catching up with me an hour away from the start of previews. There was only so many times I could see the advertisements for the local motorcycle dealership and Coca-cola-sponsored trivia of famous stars' high school yearbook photo. It's Leonardo DiCaprio! It was Leonardo DiCaprio every time for the last 23 times they showed the damn frame. If you can't tell from the picture which looked just like Leonardo DiCaprio, they helped you with clues such as "sailed in Titanic " or "kept some Basketball Diaries." It was maddening!

So I did like any self-respecting gay boy desperate to non-sexually pass the time would do: I played Password. Password, you see, is the more subdued, less prepared version of $10,000 Pyramid. I happen to be excellent at both. I would think of a secret Password and give Seanie a one-word clue to get him to guess the Password. So I say words like "ankle," "sore," "chafe," and "band-aid." And Sean it takes him 10 minutes and 300 additional clues to guess that the Password is "blister." He give me two clues and I know the password is "pistachio". Needless to say I kicked his ass. But after realizing that I was playing Password for an hour and getting really, really into it, I couldn't decide who was the bigger geek: me or people dressed up like Wookies.

The movie itself was not great and certainly not worth the 4 hour wait. George Lucas's dialogue would make him ideal to write for the world of direct-to-video films but certainly not major motion pictures. How about Anakin and Padmé (who for some reason lives with lightsabers and starships with hyperspeed, yet can't determine that she is having twins?) there love for one another:

Anikan: You're so beautiful.
Padmé: That's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.

Further evidence that George Lucas has never been in love. And perhaps has never been laid.

The battles were pretty cool looking, but the CGI looks like just that, and the real actors look bored and exhausted trying to keep up with it all. Obi-Wan kept touching his face and beard, presumably to convey concern and worry, but instead it looked like Ewan McGregor was signaling to the audience "good God, how did I get myself involved in this pretty-looking trainwreck?"

So much about the movie was illogical or uninteresting. When Chancellor Palpatine gets up in front of everyone in the galactic Senate, he declares that since he was brutally attacked, he took it upon himself to reorganize the government into an Empire. "Oh and did I mention that I'm going to be the Emperor and then pass a decree stating that I can chew all the scenery on Coruscant?"

Are we supposed to buy that out of the 200,000 different races and cultures, not one of them has any objections or concerns about this? Instead everyone applauds? It would seem that Natalie Portman, Yoda, and Jimmy Smits are the only ones in attendance that have any reservations, but even they don't say anything.

The movie's intention is to make Anakin's decision to start playing for the other team the emotional center, but Lucas can't seem to find a good reason to make this pretty boy one of film's greatest villains. So Darth Vader exists because Hayden Christiansen had a bad dream? That's like finding out that Lex Luthor became the evil bald genius he is today because he was afraid of the dark. And when Darth Vader finally does appear? He is ruined by making him perform some cheesy mix of Frankenstein meets the end of Planet of the Apes. It's just silly. Do you know how hard you must work to make Darth Vader seem silly!?!?!?!

Despite my problems with the movie, I am glad that I went. Deep down I know I'm a huge sci-fi geek, just like all the people dressed as Ewoks on line with me. These are my people, the comic book-reading, Buffy-watching, star wars-lovers. And that scares a little. To think my best chance of finding a date in Jersey might have been on that line. Shudder! I must have standards of some kind, so I'm drawing the line at Star Wars Costume Guy.

Well, maybe the Saber People, if they are cute enough.