Nothing screams compassion like drunks, robots, and bodybuilders...

How do you know if you are a Republican? Well, I tell you how. If you believe that government should be accountable to the people, not the people to the government, then you are a Republican. If you believe a person should be treated as an individual, not as a member of an interest group, then you are a Republican.

So it turns out that I'm a Republican.

Oh wait, no. Arnold Schwarzenegger is just a liar.

The second night of the Republican National Convention featured a lineup of speeches focusing on the compassionate conservative theme used by Bush in the 2000 election that he failed to live up to. Of the two major speakers, one is best known as a robotic inhuman killing machine with a terribly annoying speech pattern. The other is Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Come on, Laura, like you didn't see that one coming?)

The star of Junior and Kindergarten Cop spoke first making a few bad jokes about his Hollywood celebrity and how speaking for the convention was better than receiving an Oscar. He then proceeded to talk about the compassion of the Republican Party by saying that the Democratic National Convention should have been called True Lies, a film he starred in that is worth seeing for Jamie Lee Curtis's performance only. And maybe a young, un-Faith-y Eliza Dushku. But the point that Arnold made was that his version of compassion is to call names such as "girlie men," a statement that he made again last night. As a bonafide Girlie Man, I find that highly offensive. For all their whining about the liberal entertainers, they had a Hollywood millionaire scold those Americans who acknowledge that the economy is not doing well.

Even more offensive was having Arnold try to pretend his experience is typical of the average immigrant. Are they hoping that Arnold will appeal to the Latino vote? He can wrap himself up in an immigrant identity, but I can’t imagine it playing to minorities they way they intend.

In the most bizarre moment of the presidential race to date, two spoiled rich girls came out in their Juicy Couture sweat suits and their vapid, snobby expressions. No, it wasn't a guest appearance by Paris and Nicky, but the Bush twins, who were on hand to introduce their plastic, animatronic mother. I watched the clips and read the text of this speech as I missed the actual live telecast, but I have to say I have no idea what they are talking about.

Referring to their stone-cold, bulldog of a grandmother, the twins said “we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks ‘Sex in the City’ is something married people do, but never talk about.” Can someone tell these morons who told the convention they “are really not very political” that the name of the show is Sex AND the City? Sarah Jessica-Parker must be rolling in her shoe closet! You just have to read this thing. I suppose it is hard to talk in that sort of setting with a wicked hang-over.

In the last speech of the night, First Lady Laura Bush spoke to all those ladies in the very diverse town of Stepford, Conn. She tried to paint the president as a man who “was wrestling with these agonizing decisions” of going to war. So that’s where his compassion lies. He compassionately ponders wars!

Bush spoke of when, as a young couple, Laura and George once drove an Oldsmobile Cutlass when their transportation wasn't as "fancy," she said, as if you'd almost think her husband was a self-made man. They met at a barbecue and married 3 months later. Nothing says romance as a big steak and a rushed engagement. (I guess she wanted to hold to this boyfriend before she committed vehicular manslaughter again like her last boyfriend.)

The point of the speech was to paint the president as a regular guy. No one is falling for it though. We all know he is a spoiled frat boy of privilege who grew up, as Ann Richards once said, “with a silver foot in his mouth.” She tried to soften the edges of her husband's harsh presidency tonight. While her charm and persuasion may have worked on some of the 50 swing voters still left out there, she's asking America to forget a lot.