The Matt-Cave

The Matt-Cave Dictionary, First Edition...

2006-03-07T10:20:00.000-05:00

Crash ('krash) noun: A hoax manipulation that causes people to believe you are worth much more than you truly are. Example- By wearing my sunglasses all night, he didn't notice my lazy eye and I got his number. It was a total crash!*

Brokeback ('brOk-'bak) verb: The act of getting fucked up the ass, with nothing to show for it. Example- So I'm out with this guy having a great time. He comes back to my place, and we're, ya know, doing it Jack Twist-style, right? Well, he leave the next day and I never hear from him again. I was totally brokebacked. That's Jack Nasty!

*Editor's note- Matt Coleman does not have a lazy eye. This was an example to both illustrate a point, as well as amuse.

Bada-bing: A Joisey Boyee Theatrical Event

2006-02-20T00:12:00.000-05:00

Friday night I saw Jersey Boys on Broadway. I was out with a friend trying to find some last minute rush tickets to a show, and this was the best we could do. I heard some surprisingly non-hate filled buzz about this jukebox musical chronicling the careers of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, so thought it could be fun-ish.

I'll admit right up front, I'm not the audience for these cookie-cutter pre-packaged musicals that present overly-familiar pop songs sung by overly-untalented performers. Jersey Boys is only slightly less formulaic in that there are a few on stage who actually deserve to be there.

The show is a very VH1 Behind the Music type story of how four guys from Jersey got together to make some really great music. There wasn't too much scandal or drama. A marriage falls apart because of frequent touring. One member has a gambling problem that leads way too much stage time given to bad New York actors with bad New York accents parading around as gangsters. The story lacks much of a dramatic punch and everything about the writing screams "here's this dialogue, now give me my paycheck." There were some heartfelt monologues at the end of the second act that would have been touching had anything of equal substance appeared before intermission.

The guy playing Frankie Valli though does a near-perfect impression of the singers unique vocal talents, but never falls into the parody trap. He creates his own character, one of only two that appear on stage all night. This guy may actually go places. Hell, even Linda Lavin was in It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman: The Musical. Every star has at least one item on their resume they'll have to deny one day.

The true theatrical experience for me that night was more of a meta-theater event, with the audience entertaining me more than the show. Sitting in the back of the orchestra section, I had perfect view of most of the crowd and about 20 minutes into the performance I realized just about every seat was filled with a housewife from Hackensack. My first clue that I was surrounded by Jerseyians came when a women turned around and asked us to stop vibrating. We told her that was not me, but the vibrations from something we in the city call a subway. A few moments later, an actor said a line something akin to "Heeey, oooh, Bada-bing, ya know what I'm sayin? Johnny from Belleville ovah here!" At the mention of a Jersey placename, half the crowd went wild. "Yah Belleville! Wooo!" as if it was a personal shout-out at a rock concert. Lines like "Heeey, Ooooh, Bada-bing. We settle this with a handshake- it's called a Jersey contract," elicited explosive applause from the audience who shouted things right back like "Yah, Jersey-style baby!" I couldn't tell which was worse: the writing that insisted on starting every other line with "heeey, oooh, bada-bing" or the crowd thinking that was real-life in Jersey.

To top off the experience, someone noticed during the intermission that James Gandolfini was in the audience. I have never seen such hysteria so close up before. Everyone in the house started screaming things like "oh my Gawd, it's Tony Soprano!" and "this is amazing, I love The Soprano's" to no one in particular. I don't think any of them knew the man's real name. It took 2 house managers and ushers to subdue people back into their seats to start the second act.

As true blue Jersey boy, I felt the entire theater from audience to stage was filled with one cliche after another. I was embarrassed for these people. They must have thought Jersey Boys was the cultural event of the year for them. These are the kinds of people who will insist that Wicked changed their lives. After the show we ran out of there as fast as possible, while the rest of the crowd, I assume, piled onto a bus to take them all back to Paterson, New Jersey.

Woooo! Paterson in the house! Bada-boom!

My true colors shining through...

2006-02-08T00:23:00.000-05:00

I recently bought myself an adorable baby blue puffy winter coat from United Colors of Benetton. For weeks I had been spying this coat in the window of the Benetton store on the corner of Broadway and 8th Street while waiting for my roommate. Finally I broke down and purchased it on sale. I love a good sale. Half price, baby!

I love my new coat and wear it any chance I get, which in this unseasonably warm winter weather isn't nearly often enough. But not everyone loves it as much as I do. Last Wednesday I was walking home from the comic book store when I passed two gruff men walking in the opposite direction. As I passed, I overheard one guy say to his friend, "Look at that big blue coat. What a fat f---ing faggot!"

I was instantly offended and hurt. But not by what you might think. I swear to you the first thing that crossed my mind was "he thinks this coat makes me look fat!" It took a moment to realize I was called a fag and that I should be pissed off by that. But honestly it didn't bother me all that much. Maybe it's because I've gotten called names like that plenty of times before, or that I live in NY and know that homos are in the majority. Derogatory comments about my weight however destroy me.

If that doesn't make me the biggest faggot ever, than I don't know what does!

State of the Union - Live Blogging!

2006-01-31T21:35:00.000-05:00

It's The Matt-Cave's first ever Live Blogging edition. This is me writing in real time while watching the State of the Union. This should be fun. Or completely incomprehensible. You be the judge. Let's see if he mentioned going to Mars this time. Here we go!

9:12 - Starts off with Iraq of course.

9:15 - Yay for troops.

9:18 - With our troops pre-occupied with the occupation, should we really be taunting Iran so much? Don't they have, like, 17 Nuclear weapons or something thanks to this administration's bungling? We were lied to to go to Iraq, I can't imagine we're going to listen to him on Iran this time around.

9:20 - It's NU-KLEE-ER! Argh!!!!

9:23 - Yum, I love turkey meatballs.

9:24 - Enemies everywhere. No one in America is safe. Blah blah blah. Heard all this before.

9:25 - Just tell us when the troops can start coming home for good! That's all America wants to hear right now.

9:27 - I miss Bill Clinton so much during these addresses.

9:28 - I"m confused how did he get from African villagers dying of AIDS to a need to re-authorize the Patriot Act.

9:35 - He's actually mentioning the spying. I assumed he would glance over it in vague terms but he's trying to explain himself. Of course Bush explains by lying. No other president has ever allowed unauthorized wiretapping without a warrant. But of course that warrant business is too technical for Bush to mention.

9:37 - Hillary seems almost amused by Bush's spy-talk. I'm sure she can barely believe the crap she's hearing.

9:40 - Economy. Bush says yay for immigrants. Of course he's thinking more along the lines of plantations.

9:39 - Tax cuts. Uh-oh! They are about to expire! Better make them permanent. Can't let Big Oil pay their fair share or anything.

9:40 - Eliminating non-essential programs. He means arts programs and after-school programs, and all these other programs that thousands of Americans depend on everyday. But they are non-essential.

9:42 - Haha! Bush Sr. does love Bill Clinton.

9:45 - Dems just stood up and applauded because Bush mentioned how the Dems saved Social Security.

9:46 - Oh, but he still wants to talk about it. You think he would not mention one of his biggest failures in his presidency. But than again he can't stop talking about 9/11, either.

9:47 - No commercial break yet?!?!

9:48 - Affordable healthcare? Oh he means providing accounts to put your own money away for health concerns with a small tax write off. That just doesn't work at a time when Americans' savings are the lowest they have been since the Great Depression.

9:49 - Alternative energy sources. Doesn't he bring this up every year? With no change? Didn't he one time mention how he was going to invent a hydrogen-powered car within 10 years? Yeah, he stopped talking about that the very next day.

9:50 - Dependence on Mid-East oil a thing of the past. (But just in case, I now own all of it.)

9:51 - Lynn Cheney is sitting with some little fat girl who is extremely uninterested in Bush. Can't blame her.

9:52 - Education initiative time. (He's flying through this.) I love when he mentions these great programs that tomorrow he'll cut the budget of.

9:54 - A quiet transformation? That's secret religious talk! Can't fool me. Abortions being at an all-time low has nothing to do with your quasi-Christian programs or your "culture of life." It is about higher standard of living and better access to the proper tools needed for childcare and childbirth. Thanks to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

9:57 - Booooo, Alito! Boo Congress for confirming him!

9:58 - Laura Bush is in charge of youth programs again. At least he didn't mention her extensive work with gangs again. So embarrassing last year.

10:00 - And he just mentioned New Orleans and Katrina now. Took him a whole hour? Jeez. Kanye West was right. No mention of regret, or mistakes though.

10:01 - AIDS medicine for everyone. I think he said most black people have AIDS, like, three times just now.

10:02 - He's wrapping up. I think he's finally learned that only 30% of America can stand the sight of his lying face.

10:03 - All done. That was short and yet bitter. Huge divide amongst the Dems and Brotherhood of Evil Party evidenced in their standing and applauding patterns.

10:04 - No Mars. Oh well. God bless America!

We use to be friends a long time ago...

2006-01-24T12:52:00.000-05:00

It was just announced this morning that underdog TV channels UPN and WB will cease their independent broadcast in September and merge to form one new network, called the CW. It's assumed that it stands for CBS and Warner Bros., the two companies that owned UPN and the WB respectively, and will own the new network 50-50.

Immediately this news brought on panic for all the great shows that now exist between the 2 networks. Ok, really, I only cared about Veronica Mars (my new favorite) and Gilmore Girls (an old standby), but there are some other TV shows that must be considered. Such as Smallville (you would think I would watch it regularly, considering my love of all things Superman, but I never started as it was opposite Buffy for some time) and um... well... okay maybe that's it. These three shows were mentioned in the announcement as being on the soon-to-announced schedule, so we do not have to fear their cancellation. But if you're a Reba or Twins fan (I'm looking at you, Sharyn), I would start that letter-writing campaign now. Two networks broadcasting full primetime schedules condensing itself to one network means that at least half of the garbage on these channels will be gone.

But maybe this will be a good move for both. Each has had some success with certain shows over the years. Maybe now they can distill their line down to something consistent and strong. And at the very least, I feel Veronica Mars won't have a UPN stigma to it. I've always felt Veronica belonged amongst The WB crowd anyway.

Paint my bitch...

2006-01-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

My roommate has decided to take up painting. Though one would never know it from looking at her, she can be quite artsy from time to time. The thing she can do with beads! She once even owned a Bedazzler. Now, that's hardcore. So her inaugural painting was one of my family's dog, Bailey. She is named after the irish cream. Bailey made an apearance here in The Matt-Cave once before. She has since become a little older, a little fluffier, but not a single day wiser. What can you do?

Here is Sharyn's portrait: This is a perfect representation of this dog, right down to the queer way she sticks her one leg out to her right whenever she sits. She's as awkward as a scarecrow, much like me. She's also a big lovable goofball, also much like me. This painting gives her an air of respectability though, very UNlike me. I can't wait to have her portrait up on my wall.

If anyone would like their pets' portrait done, contact my roommate Sharyn and I'm sure she will give you an excellent discount on her services. Tell her The Matt-Cave sent you.

Can you not call me now?

2006-01-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

Just read over on Gothamist that starting February 5th, cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketers. You will begin getting sales calls on your cell phones. And of course, I can't imagine the telemarketers would be nice enough to call from an in-network number. So you'll be charged for the calls.

But never fear, you can get on the national DO NOT CALL list. It blocks your number for five years from credit card offers and magazine subscription inquiries. You can register your number very quickly by going here. It's like a spam blocker for your phone. By without the erectial dysfunction medication emails slipping through. In theory.

Keep your Supreme Court Justice off my body...

2006-01-11T10:46:00.000-05:00

Reading about Senate confirmations of any kind are frustrating and upsetting. While I understand that there needs to be a level of respect involved, the more liberal-minded fiery part of me (I guess that would be the part with the red hair) wants the Democrats to scream and yell and rip off the Republican hacks' balls. Supreme Court justice confirmations are especially trying. These are people who will be deciding what our Constitution actually means for the rest of their lives. I have no problem with asking, among many other important questions, if they are anti-choice straight-out.

This morning Democratic Senator Richard J. Durbin of Illinois pretty much did just that. Durbin asks "John Roberts stated unequivocally that Roe v. Wade was the settled law of the land. Do you, Judge Alito, believe that Roe v. Wade is the settled law of the land?" Unlike, John Roberts, Alito refuses to say so!

It's that simple. Alito will vote to overturn Roe v. Wade first chance he gets. Anyone senator who votes for his confirmation, has no excuse. I'm looking at you, Democrats.

Some boys do cry...

2006-01-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

Is no one in Hollywood happy? Do all marriages in this modern age have to end? Is there anyone who can be satisfied with fidelity and monogamy?

I submit to you one one more reason why the answers to these questions are respectively "yes," "it would seem so," "gosh I hope not, but the odds are not in your favor."

Chad Lowe and Hillary Swank are splitting up.

What is this world coming to?

Those Kraft-y liars...

2006-01-06T19:04:00.000-05:00

My roommate told me some shocking news yesterday. In reading a mouth-watering article about Macaroni and Cheese in yesterday's New York Times's Dining & Wine section, she stumbled upon a dirty little secret of the cheese industry.

American cheese is simply cheddar or colby that is ground and emulsified with water, said Bonnie Chlebecek, a test kitchen manager at Land O'Lakes in Arden Hills, Minn.

Who knew this? Why didn't anyone tell me? I feel I've been lied to all these years-that America had produced a lovely unique cheese to call its own. Cheese-making is one of those things, like butter-churning and candle-making that has been done for the past million years or so that was perfected way before America was even born. The fact that we had discovered (so I thought) a new cheese, that we contributed to the old-world way of life in some small part, is a lovely thought. But alas, what I thought was charming innovation in a traditional process was actually a water-downed block of cheddar. Shocked and appalled.

Puppy power...

2006-01-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of one of my new favorite websites, Cute Overload.

What better way to start the new year than with an adorable puppy sandwich. Not that I would ever eat such a thing. That would be wrong. But I'm not above snuggling with such a delicacy.

Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag...

2006-01-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

This Christmas of the many wonderful gifts I am grateful for I received one that particularly surprised and delighted me. I asked "Santa" (my mother creepily demands we refer to her as Santa in all our holiday gift-receiving transactions) for a new man-bag and I got the most perfect man-bag that ever existed.

I have been a fan of the man-bag for many years now. I have never liked the idea of a wallet in my pants pocket, especially since I prefer to pack as much of my life into one as possible. My wallets are always too heavy and bulging to keep in your pants, not to mention that I enjoy toting all sorts of essential things besides ID and money with me. Not satisfied with the frat-boy look of many backpacks while in college, and fed up with the sexist traditions of allowing only women to walk around with purses, I got myself a bag. A manly bag to store my manly things. Like moisturizers and lip balms and accessories. Messenger bags were only newly in style and man-bags fast became an essential part of life in the city. I've gone through many a man-bag in my time, and even gave hand-me-down bags to friends. It's my own version of gay-it forward.

So this Christmas when I told Mommy-Claus to get me a new man-bag that looked professional, almost briefcasey, I had no idea her gaydar would be so perfectly honed to choose such an ideal bag for my purposes. What makes this bag so wonderful? For starters, it's a beautiful briefcase from Kenneth Cole. Excellent quality. Secondly, it came in a sack. Any man-bag that comes in its own man-bag must be wonderful. But the true campy joy of this bag came only days later when I was switching out of my old bag into this new and improved model. I was removing the tag only to discover the style name. Christina Flappelgate! Can you believe it? My man-bag's name is a ridiculous play on words. It's first name is Christina! AND it sounds like a drag queen. What more can a boy ask for?

Suffice it to say it was a very merry holiday.

Mocha chocalatte ya ya...

2005-12-28T10:24:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows my love for all things Dunkin' Donuts. Their coffee is the best coffee around and their donuts can kreme the Krispy company any day. Growing up in Kearny, you had no choice but to go to Dunkin' Donuts for all your coffee needs, which was fine by us since it was always quality. When you needed something to do you would walk the Ave to Dunkin' Donuts for a Coolata and then back again. I would convince my friends to accompany me to the comic book store as long as I promised to stop by DD and get them something. This happened so often that I began factoring in coffees and coolatas into my weekly comic book budget.

Recently they have perfected the ultimate coffee lid, with a sippy spout that has a re-sealable tab built right in. They must have spent millions of dollars in research developing this design and I'll tell you it is worth every penny. You don't see other company revolutionizing the way we drink our coffee. All Starbucks has developed in the last 5 years is how to add even more god-awful syrup to a mocha latte and charge you $6 for a tall Cinnamochamacchiatacinno. With whipped cream.

Yes, I love all things Dunkin Donuts related. So when Michael Vale, known as Fred the Baker, died this morning, it was quite a shock. He played the beloved "time to make the donuts" guy in Dunkin Donuts commercials for many years. As a kid I remember feeling terrible for this guy. He was always getting up at like 4AM to go into work all alone and sleepy to make donuts for people. I didn't understand why they couldn't hire other help for at least a few days a week. The man was old! He's earned some rest, one would think. I'm drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee right now. I raise my Styrofoam cup to you, sir.

Deck the Halls Do-Over...

2005-12-26T23:36:00.000-05:00

Never made it to the strip club. We decided to do a little more research before choosing our house of debauchery. Also, we feared that Christmas weekend might prove to be a particularly depressing time to look at girls showing off the hoo-haa's and hee-hee's.

Instead we went drinking, then back to my friend's place. We woke up the next morning and went for brunch. Had there been any sex involved and had we not known each other's names this would have been a gay frist date.

Deck the halls...

2005-12-22T17:08:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow evening I am going to my first strip club. Hopefully an extremely trashy one where girls with low self-esteem and fake breasts will take their tops off for me and try not to cry about it.

A friend of mine just asked me why I was going: "what's the occasion?" Why, it's Christmas, of course!

I don't care for ladies breasts at all, but I'm sure it's fascinating in a strange uber-campy way. I've never been to one and I'm going with my straight friend. In return he'll come with me to a gay strip club in the future. Wish me luck.

The Last Five Months: What I did on my Matt-Cave Vacation (Part Two)...

2005-12-22T12:13:00.000-05:00

Before my hiatus from the blogosphere, I was last seen on a trip to Germany to visit my best friend and world traveler Sharyn. When I returned I began a brutal crusade of persuasion in order to convince her to return to the States. I can be very convincing at times. I've turned many a gay man straight with my charms (I don't like to talk about it).

I wanted her to come back home to move into an apartment with me. Living with my parents stopped being about emotional and financial support after a huge breakup and started bordering on post-collegiate loser territory. One more month at home in Kearny and I think I would have been required by law to move into the basement and begin playing Dungeons and Dragons while looking back fondly on the time when I used to get some.

Both Sharyn and I were recovering from major break-ups and both had very little direction in life. What better time to fulfill our dream of living together! I'm a very difficult person to live with, so I knew Sharyn would be one of a very select few who might put up with me. So I forced her to leave Germany. But to do so I had to promise to buy her a bike. Which I did. At Target. For $60. It sucked. And has since been stolen. Joke's on her I guess!

After an exhaustive search and with very little money, the closest we came to an actual apartment was something bordering on Broker-fraud wherein the broker demanded an additional month's fee, because he thought we were young and therefore push-overs. We had our hearts broken so many times, but it the end we found a great little place in Downtown Jersey City.

Other than some residents' insistence on referring to the neighborhood as "DoJo" (which makes NO sense), I've fallen in love with the area. It's what Hoboken would be if Hoboken wasn't inherently trashy. There's always a new cafe to brunch at each weekend. Pretty brownstones and lovely parks abound. We live 2 and one-half minutes from the Grove Street PATH station, so the commute is less than for Brooklyn-ites. The kitchen is perfect for frequent entertaining (praise Martha!). And the bedrooms have enough space and privacy for plenty of sexual encounters. What more can a boy ask for in his first bachelorette pad! So if you are in the neighborhood, and have housewarming presents, stop by and see the place.

Fashion victim...

2005-12-22T00:13:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe Heidi said "Auf Weidersehen" to the creepy, yet sweet Daniel Franco on last night's Project Runway. Instead of the nasty, arrogant Santino? I guess they need a talented villian for future dramas. This show is incredibly addictive already and we are only 4 epsiodes in.

And in other news, Nick's winning Barbie doll from last week is available for pre-order on Bravo's site. Any show that is about designing tiny doll outfits for Barbie just has to be great.

The Last Five Months: What I did on my Matt-Cave Vacation (Part One)

2005-12-21T12:47:00.000-05:00

I think I’ve been going through my quarter-life crisis this summer.  It’s a tad early since I won’t be 25 till April, but it’s definitely been a time of unsettling reflection.  But it has spurred me to make some very big changes and actual life goals.  Fancy that.  Not proud of the accomplishments I’ve had and not excited about the prospects of a future career that did not seem to exist for me, I turned to a dream of mine.  I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer, but for some reason had all the excuses in the world as to why it would never happen.  Money, time, ability, boyfriends.  With nothing holding me back lately, I decided to find something to propel me forward and actually do something with my life.

So this summer I have decided to attend law school.  I have dedicated much of the last few months to studying for the LSAT.  I highly approve of the LSAT as opposed to other graduate level assessment tests because one needs not know anything to succeed.  Unlike the MCAT for med students or the GRE for everyone else, where you must know facts and actual skills, the LSAT tests your way of thinking, analyzing, and reasoning.  So while you can study strategies, there is very little use for dreaded flashcards or memorization.

I’ve always been a fan of standardized tests.  Maybe it was the weight and smell of a freshly-sharpened No. 2 pencil, or perhaps the fun of shading in those perfectly-organized ovals on the scantron sheets.  Or perhaps it was the 3 half-days we would get every March for the MATs when I was in grade school.  Whatever the reason I was uber-excited to take the LSAT.

I put myself on a very strict study schedule that I actually followed.  That is a first for me.  All projects I begin have great intentions at first, but quickly dissolve into procrastination and excuses.  So by Week 4 of my personal five-week course (Kaplan my ass!) when I actually found myself on schedule I realized this whole law school thing might actually happen. Logic puzzles, reading comprehension, argumentative reason, and a few thousand essays later, it was time to take the test.  I was striving for a 160 (which is decent), but found I had plateaued just below at 159 on the practice tests.

The night before the test I gave myself a little break and decided to relax, go to bed early, and not try cramming.  So what did I decide would make for a great distraction?  An episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seemed in order.  Next episode up in my continuing effort to slowly watch every Buffy in order or the course of a year was “The Body.”  That’s the episode that easily should have won the show an Emmy that year, the most affecting hour of television ever crafted.  Buffy’s mother dies of an all-too natural cause and the Scoobies have to deal with the lose. What was I thinking?!  From beginning to end, you cry.   All thoughts of logical reasoning evaporate as you are reduced to one emotional puffy heap.  I had exhausted myself from the weeping like a schoolgirl enough to fall right to sleep.  Perhaps that insanely upsetting show was good for my test-taking skills after all as I was well-rested come 6:30 the next morning.

The morning of the test I was amazed at the quality of my fellow test-takers.  Sitting in a chilly college classroom on the Rutgers campus, I noticed the many young fratboys and clueless princesses whose parents must have forced them to take the test.  If only this thing is graded on a curve, I thought. During the pre-testing instructions, everyone is required to write out a statement saying we won’t sell LSAT secrets to the highest bidder on eBay or something to that effect and sign it.  The instructor told us to handwrite this; do not print.  The boy behind me actually raised his hand and asked “what if we don’t know how to write in cursive?”  Then you should go back to the second grade and give up any hope of doing well on this test!  And who uses a word like cursive who isn’t a 70 year-old Catholic school penmanship teacher?  Obviously someone very self-conscious and defensive of his inability to handwrite.

When all was said and done, I felt great about the test.  Two weeks later I found out I scored 165, which to those of you who know anything about the test know is a pretty great score.  It’s very little fun to tell people you scored 165 and have them ask “is that good?”  No fault of their own; I would have no idea if I had never taken the test.  But it’s hard to be proud of something that means so little to so many people.  I’m hoping it means a good deal to the admissions committees though.  I’m now currently in the process of applying to schools.  I’m hoping to get into Rutgers Law since it is possible I could afford it.  We shall see. To be continued.

Where have you been all my life...

2005-12-21T10:31:00.000-05:00

It has been hibernating season here in The Matt-Cave. Matt has been all about the major changes and many of them have taken him away from his Matt-Cave duties. Unlike a certain other cavernous-dwelling crusader-of-justice whose fictional headquarters happens to rhyme with “Matt-Cave,” Matt does not have the money to afford a stately English butler to dust and tidy the Matt-Cave. So things have fallen into disarray. Matt apologizes for the silence, the abandonment, and leaving Diran’s picture up for 5 months as the first thing you see (jeez she’s scary).

For those unfamiliar with The Matt-Cave allow me give you a brief description of what we do around here. This blog does not aspire to be the next Gawker, nor does it have any delusions that anyone other than the 10 people who Matt speaks with everyday anyway has any intention of reading it. A few times each week, Matt picks some topic ranging anywhere from culture or entertainment to political issues or Matt’s own sad personal life. Then he rants a little. If it’s a special day he rants from more than a little. And if it’s an extra special day, he might post a picture of a cute fuzzy animal.

Enough third person. That gets tiring. I’m here. Welcome. So what have I been up to that would prevent me from dedicating my free time to providing salacious details of my life along with witty observations of the lives of others? Allow me to catch you up starting today with a series of posts I would like to call “The Last Five Months” or "What I did on my Matt-cave vacation."

Deutschlands, deutschlands, uberalles....

2005-07-19T10:59:00.000-04:00

Updated: Click here for Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, and Day Five.

Last week I went vacationing in Germany to visit my best friend Sharyn. She has been living in Frieburg, Germany for the last year and it was high time I get to see her again. You can catch up with her wacky adventures at her blog, Swithy in Ausland. It's the most entertaining blog this side of The Matt-Cave (though she could stand to mention our week long adventures a bit more than one stinkin' paragraph). Oh well, I guess I'll have to go on endlessly about the trip for both of us. What follows is a detailed story of my time in Germany. But don't worry, kids. This book's got pictures.

America

I'm about to depart for Germany. Diran is upset to see me leave. Freakishly upset. She calls me on my cell while I am at the airport. We talk about the London bombings that happened that morning. "So try not to die, Maffy," she says. Thanks, Diane.

Sharyn's Apartment

After 10 hours of travel I arrive in Germany. Sharyn is waiting to greet me. She looks creepily amused to see me. Like Dakota Fanning-creepy.

Freiburg

Sharyn shows me around Freiburg, a small city where she is one of 10 people between 20 and 28. Not boring at all! Here Sharyn poses in front on the Munsterplatz, a cobblestoned city-center that often houses street markets and fairs.

Freiburg

Here I am on the Munsterplatz in front of a German-looking building. I like posing in Germany.

Freiburg

There are small canals running throuhout the city, like the one pictured on the left at my feet. Legend has it, if you step in one you have to marry a Freiburger. Suffice it to say I stayed far, far away from those things. Except in this alley. Germany is filled with little alleyways like this. Alleys get me excited because they are so cute. Don't I look like the German Mary Tyler Moore?

Weiner Cafe

Sightseeing makes me thirsty. Luckily there is no shortage of refreshment at Weiner Cafe. I like pretty German cocktails. And I'll tell you so. Before swallowing your face.

Weiner Cafe

I also like pretty German Sharyn. Notice that I am wearing my watch in this picture. I seemed to have lost that watch in Germany at some point. It was the coolest thing I've ever owned and was given to me by someone very special, so it kills me to think it might be lost. But this is the last picture in which it appears. Sharyn, it has GOT to be at that cafe! Find it for me!

Weiner Cafe

When I get drunk, I can't help but vouge. And these Mai-Tai's pack an aggressive punch, much like the Germans themselves. Strike a pose!

Sharyn's Apartment

Sharyn is pooped from our first day of fun. She sleeps on a matress on her floor in her tiny room with no decorations and no furniture. For dinner parties she makes her guests sit on suitcases. Ghetto Fab!

Day Two

2005-07-18T14:17:00.000-04:00

Freiburg

I make a concerted effort to eat as many traditionally German foods as possible while visiting. Here I am eating bratwurst in the traditional German manner: like a pervert!

Freiburg

Sharyn tries to look pretty for the picture. She often fails though. But it isn't her fault. Long ago a gypsy placed a curse on her. Now, every photo she takes turns out startlingly "off." Don't believe me? Just keep reading.

Schwartzwald

We travel into the Black Forest in search of tchotchkes for Diane. I stop to admire how peaceful I look in front of the lake. This is the Titi See. "See" means Lake in German. I'm not sure what "Titi" means, but I can guess!

Schwartzwald

Get it?!? Titi Lake! Haha!

Schwartzwald

Sharyn tries to smile for the camera in front of the picturesque little mountain town along the lake. Unfortunately she looks like a whiney little baby with a constipation problem. It's too bad, because, she really does look lovely today. Damn that gypsy curse!

Kuchen Party

These are the remains of apple and chocolate cakes. Every day at 4pm, we like to stop into a cafe and have ourselves a Kuchen Party. That means a "cake party." Much like the British love tea, Germans love cake. And power. But cake is easier to purchase at 4pm in a small village.

Schwartzwald

I am waving goodbye to the Schwartzwald while wearing a necklace I brought for Sharyn. If you think it looks handsome on me, you should see it on Sharyn. Makes her look like a young Bea Arthur. Makes me look like young Charles Nelson Reilly. And of course my limp-wristed "Auf Wiedersehen" doesn't help.

Day Three

2005-07-17T09:48:00.000-04:00

Europa Park

Sharyn and I go to Europa Park, Germany's answer to EuroDisney (which in itself is Paris' answer to DisneyWorld, so you can imagine what we're dealing with here). The park is spilt up into sections themed like the countires of the EU. In Germany, I take a picture with Europa Elefant, rather than Europa Maus because I realized that Maus is a not-so-cleverly disguised knock-off of Mickey Mouse and I do not support copyright infringement. Plus big plush elephants are cute and serve to make me look adorable through association. Whatever it takes baby!

Europa Park

Speaking of infringement, I find that everything in Europa Park is stolen directly from Disney. From Greece, I point with incredulity towards the dome in the middle of the park ripped off from Epcot Center, complete with a history of science ride inside. The more we explore of the park the more we realize how little originality the park's creative developers actually had. Everything is an exact replica of a ride from Disney, minus the budget, and somehow shoe-horned into celebrating Europe's history of colonialism (yet not a single mention of the Holocaust, go figure). The Pirates of the Caribbean becomes The Pirates of Batavia, as evil pirates attack an honorable Dutch colony in India. The Tea Cups become Koffie Kopjes, spinning coffee cups honoring the brave colonialists who enslaved whole peoples for coffee plantations. The Haunted House becomes... well... a haunted house, but rather than Disney's fancy holographic special effects Europa Park has stuffed animals. Germans are a thrifty people.

Europa Park

I pose weirdly while standing in front of what we secretly dubbed "the Alley of Shame." Here are signs describing all the newly added European Union members not important enough to have their own section of the park. "They have a plaque," says Europa Maus. "That's all they deserve." That guy's a jerk, (and possibly a Nazi). I stand next to a sign describing Lithuania. I guess their history isn't romantic enough to be immortalized through the puppetry of stuffed animals. Poor Lithuania. Can't catch a break.

Europa Park

Oh, no! Could that be the Mir Space Station about the crush Sharyn in Russia? Why, yes it is! About 5 years ago, Europa Park bought the original Mir Space Station and it now sits as a reminder of past glory and excitement of the Space Race and proves that Russia was once important for some reason. I hope Sharyn survives the crash!

Eurpoa Park

Sharyn survives to send me funny looks in Spain. Is her expression from the shock of digging her way out of the wreckage? Or is it the Gypsy Curse strking again?

Day Four

2005-07-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

Blau Haus

Sharyn goes to work and leaves me to my own devices. This is her tiny office at The Blue House, the historical site in Breisach that she went to Germany to work for. She was supposed to spend her days teaching about the history of Jews in Breisach and explain to young German kids how not to slaughter them. Instead though, she find herself sitting at this desk all day, talking to me on the internet. In between getting yelled at by her boss to scrub the floors and windows harder. She's just like Cinderella. If Cinderella were a dyke.

Breisach

I spend the day traveling around the little town of Breisach. This is the first time I am by myself in Germany. I tour the village via Sharyn's bicycle and got quite a workout. See, this church at the top of that mountain? I ride the bike to the top. It's a lot more steep than it looks from here. The bike seat causes me a lot of soreness by the end of the day. It's the most action I ever get on this trip.

Breisach

Here is the culprit now! This saucy little bicycle is my trusty sidekick for the day. I call him Speedy. Sharyn neglects to tell me that he had a flat tire the whole day, though. Germans point and shout at me all day long, trying to alert my to Speedy's problem. I just assume shouting and yelling is how they normally treat people.

France

I ride Speedy over the Rhine into France. The first sight that France offers me is these power lines. This is what French Cancer looks like. Much like the French themselves, the power lines stand high and mighty. They also smell pretty bad.

Gypsy Curse

Back in Freiburg, the gypsy curse visits Sharyn as in begins to rain. This is the third day in a row that it has rained just as we planned to head over to a beer garden. We are both disappointed. This is what happens to Sharyn's face when disappointment strikes. By this point I have tried German beer, but not yet in a garden venue. I don't want to miss the beer gardens, so I hope the sun comes out before I leave for America. And I hope Sharyn stops making that face.

Freiburg

It's a beautiful German rainbow to match my beautiful German expression. At least that's as happy as ones expression is allowed to be in Germany. I reflect on how appropriate the rainbow is as we walk along to Freiburg's lone gay cafe, Jos Fritz. Judy Garland would be shining down on us from heaven if she weren't conditioned through years of propaganda to hate Nazis. So I bet she doesn't get over here much.

Jos Fritz

At the cafe, I meet Shayrn's friend Simon (pronounced ZEE-mone, cause German's are weird). He is the only person I've ever met who wears more bangle jewelry and gaudy beads than Sharyn. To his credit, just like Sharyn, he pulls it off.

Day Five

2005-07-15T11:06:00.000-04:00

Colmar

Sharyn, two of her fellow Blau Haus slaves, and I travel to France to see what all the fuss is about. Since the town of Colmar is so close to the border of Germany and was German-controled for so long, it is very German-seeming, except they speak French. And unlike Germany, they have Tropicana orange juice and salted butter at the supermarket. Sharyn buys both to smuggle back across the border. Here we are getting lost and eating disgustingly dark French chocolate. Salt in their butter, yes. Sugar in their sweets, no. Crazy.

Colmar

Colmar is the birthplace of Frédéric-Auguste Bartholdi, the designer and sculptor of The Statue of Liberty. They are very proud of this claim to fame so there is Statue of Liberty tchotchkes everywhere. It is like being in New York, but with more attitude. This is the house Bartholdi was born in, which is now a museum of his work. The mueseum is getting cable put in today, hence the truck. I am amused at the juxtoposition of a cable truck parked next to a famous sculpture. Modern chic.

Colmar

We eat at a small French restaurant that serves Flammkuchen, which literally means flaming cake. It is essentially this area of Europe's equivalent of pizza, but rather than sauce, they use cream. I have mine with garlic and cheeses and it is delicious. But a gay-friendly pizza would have to be, right? Colmar also has a lot more chain stores than Freiburg. Doesn't it look like we are eating lunch at Claire's Accessories?

Colmar

I cannot go to France and not eat a bagette. It just seems wrong not to. So here I am, after awkening from a peaceful nap in some French park, chomping away on a delicious bagette. Mmmmm.... A phalus never tasted so good.

Sushi Boat

Back in Freiburg, we meet Sharyn's bestest friend in Germany, Lexie. Like Sharyn, Lexie is an American import. Lexie is the perfect amount of Matthew mixed with the perfect amount of Diane. She seems to keep Sharyn grounded (like me!) and is also willing to do any stupid thing Sharyn tells her too (like Diane!). If her name wasn't so darn sexy, I would insist she change it to Dianthew. She is also a kleptomaniac. We go to a sushi boat restaurant, where the sushi is placed on little colored plates that go into little boats. The boats flow past the customers on the river of water encircled by the seating area. As the sushi floats by, patrons must choose what they would like and take it from the boat. When you pay, a gentleman comes by and counts the number of colored plates you have to determine how much you owe. Well for a price of ten Euros for four plates of sushi, we can not afford to be full. Luckily, Lexie is clever enough (like me!) and sneaky enough (like Diane!) to slowly take the plates and hide them in her purse. By the time we pay, she steals six plates of sushi. Sharyn and Lexi show off their "earnings" proudly. We ate like kings and have some neat Japanese parting gifts to boot. I love Dianthew.

Beer Garden

We finally arrive at a Beer Garden. Over the past few days of Germany I have developed into quite the little beer drinker. Never really touched the stuff much before, but I vowed to enjoy myself in their frothy brew while staying in thir country. Turns out beer is great. And it makes me silly. And even gayer!

Beer Garden

Apparnetly beer also makes me saucy.

Final Day

2005-07-14T11:39:00.000-04:00

Freiburg

On my final day, Sharyn and I sleep till 2pm, but I have about 18 hours of traveling ahead of me so I don't feel so bad. Very tired from our week, Sharyn and I go to lunch and do little else today. Besides drink. If you aren't drinking beer at all times in Germany, you have to pay some sort of tax or something. This photograph is meant to show off Sharyn's disgusting cigarette habit, but instead it just makes her look fabulous. Like a lesbian Audrey Hepburn.

Jos Fritz

I have a train to catch at midnight, so of course we want to get as drunk as possible beforehand to see me off. We return to big gay cafe Jos Fritz. I spy a garden gnome sneaking up behind Sharyn. Someone should tell this gnome that Sharyn may look like easy prey, but she bites! And not just nibbles. I'm talking dinosaur!

Jos Fritz

Sharyn enjoys a delicious Radler. This is why the Germans are so amazing and fearless. They do things with beer we timid Americans can not even consider. Radler is a drink consisting of 50% Hiefeweissen beer and 50% leomnade. It is the greatest drink ever. I drank so much Radler this week I should be in the hospital by now instead of sitting in a garden surrounded by gay gnomes. Soooo good. And it's not just lemonade. Germans are so bold as to rule nothing out when in the service of beer making. They mix it with cola and jusices. Even bannana juice. Which is just disgusting. But you have to hand it to them; there is no line they will not cross.

Gypsy Curse

We spend a good 40 minutes trying to take candid shots of Sharyn while we speak in order to break her gypsy curse. I took 55 pictures at this time of just her laughing and talking and being herself. You would think one, just one, of those pictures would come out well. But no. It's truly a paradox. I look at her through the camera's lense and she looks lovely, but as soon as the picture is snapped, some sort of ancient evil takes its toll and she winds up looking like this.

Or this.

Or Good God! Like This!

Bahnhof

Finally, our trip is at an end. Sharyn sees me off on the train platform. We put on braves faces of humor and happiness, though I am very sad. But also drunk and tired. So it makes it a little easier. Though I miss her terribly, she will be home again at the end of August. And we can talk to people who speak English. I can't wait for our next trip together!

If it's free, it's for me...

2005-06-16T15:15:00.000-04:00

Every year I await the arrival of one of New York City's finest institutions - the Time Out New York Free Stuff issue! Most every season of the year TONY has an issue devoted to all the free stuff in and around the city to do. The summer Free Stuff issue is especially gratifying because it is chock full to the brim with giveaways and events without a cover. I've learned (with the oh-so-gentle persuasion of certain friends) to plan my summer around it. People who don't like NYC in the summertime (mainly because of the heat, the smells, etc.) do not know how to navigate the endless plethora of outdoorsy events that can only be found in the city that never sleeps (mostly due to power outages denying us our A/C).

This year I got myself a subscription to Time Out and awaited the Free Stuff with baited breath. What came in my mailbox was an issue calling itself Cheap Stuff. Whaaa?

While the newsstand price is only $0.99 to fit the theme of thriftiness, there is only a small section of free items and the rest is dedicated to things costing under $20. This is still a wonderful resource for people trapped in New York with little money who might want to have some out of the ordinary fun, but there was a time when it was a wonderful resource for those with no money, too. Don't quietly water-down a product and not expect people to notice, as if you worked for a Loews Theatre concessions stand. I was expecting a real Diet Coke here, people! At least they don't charge the same price, though.

Listen to your mother...

2005-06-08T11:25:00.000-04:00

My mother has imparted many lessons to me over the years, but there are certain rules, certain life parameters she has given extra weight to, in an effort to ensure they truly sink in. To name just a few: "Family is everything," "Never be ashamed of putting ice in your white wine," "Everyone drinks, you can always call a cab," and "Always add in the shipping and handling on any QVC purchase, cause that's how they get ya'!"

I recently broke one of her cardinal rules: "Never talk to local newspeople. You'll only come off crazy."

Recently at work, we were discussing the ordering of new letterhead. Our new Marketing Director questioned the use of the apostrophe in our address (80 St. Mark's Place). He said he noticed that the street signs do not have an apostrophe and therefore the possessive "Mark's" must be incorrect. This was a shocking, though perfectly reasonable argument to me. It was like finding out that Santa doesn't exist or that you don't actually need to wait a half-hour after eating before swimming - blind faith evaporates with the use of some simple logic that's been staring you in the face all along. It leaves you with questions about everything else you take for granted.

I never noticed the absence of the apostrophe on the street signs or on any of the other businesses that agreed with said signs. Could I have been wrong all these years? So I did a little research, calling 311, the Manhattan Borough President's Office, and the Department of Transportation. The street signs were right. The city of New York did not use the apostrophe. So we adjusted our letterhead.

A few weeks later a reporter for The Villager came to our box office and asked us why we used the apostrophe when others did not? She was writing an article on the very debate I had just lost! While our box office manager could care less (she was busy and this was just one more in a long line of crazy people walking in to bother us about something stupid), I jumped up and starting talking to her about our recent dilemma. You can read the article here, but as for my quote?

Joining the ranks of the apostrophe conflicted is the Pearl Theater Company, between First and Second Aves., housed at, according to a big overhead sign, "Theater 80 St. Marks." In contrast, the delivery notice taped to the door of the theater gives the address as 80 St. MarkÂs (with apostrophe). As it turns out, the delivery sign is the last vestige of the Old Order. Matthew Coleman, associate marketing director, explained that for the 10 years since the repertory company has resided here, they had always used an apostrophe on all their letterhead and material. Then just three months ago, Matt Schicker, the new marketing director, decided it was incorrect. "It destroyed my world, knowing that I've been wrong for the five years I've been here," Coleman said. "We're in the process of great reform. I still have to stop, proofread and change everything to without an apostrophe. It was a passionate debate for a while."

I come off like a complete drama queen! And to top it all off, the article concludes that street signs never have punctuation (not even periods after St.) and therefore you should use the apostrophe when writing your own address. I was right but it's too late to change back. The terrible thing is I know that it is a completely accurate quote, and it sounds just like me, but I don't think my faux-dramatic flipness comes across in this article at all. Do I sound like a crazy person everyday? Am I the only one who recognizes that while I exaggerate, I am a relatively grounded individual... most times?

Mommy was right.

On being redheaded...

2005-05-30T11:21:00.000-04:00

Growing up I was cursed with a plain name: Matthew. While my parents swear the name was original and unique at the time they bestowed it upon my cute little head, they must have picked it up on one of those annoying news stories titled "Most popular baby names 1981." My whole life Matthews abound. All throughout grammar school, I was Matty C., while the 3 kids who shared my name got Matt or Matthew or some other distinctive nickname. How I longed for a more dynamic name like Sebastian or Alexander!

Luckily I had the good sense to be a redhead. My fiery locks made me stand out from the crowd of Catholic school uniforms (and made me pretty darn cute if you ask me). My hair color has always been my best selling point. I don't think I've ever been on a date with someone who didn't have a specific "thing" for redheads, which is fine with me; I think everyone should sleep with at least one redhead in their lifetime, and I am happy to do my part to make that happen.

Redheads have a heavy burden to bare. We are expected to exude a simultaneous air of ferocity and woundability. Our hair invariably causes postal men, panhandlers, truck drivers and 8th Avenue winos alike to yell "Hey Red!" I would never dream of calling them ÂHey, Brown!Â or "Hey, Dirty Blond." (Okay, I might use that last one, but only because it sounds like it should be the name of a drag queen.) We will be the first ones to become extinct once the non-redheads in power destroy our preciouozonene layer. We are forever being asked by perverts if we are "natural redheads (wink-wink)." It is our lot in life to forever be reduced to a fetish, a crotch, a challenge, a mystery to be solved.

Lately, though I have noticed tons of redheads everywhere I go. The city seems to be crawling with them. Spring has arrived and like slugs after a rainfall, redheads have appeared out of nowhere to overrun Manhattan. It's nice to see so many pasty white, freckled, redheads walking around in a way, but it detracts from the exotic flavor of the hair color. When there is only a handful like you, one can achieve the status of "the desirable Other." You are checked out more, you turn heads, and you develop confidence in the process. With all these other redheads around, they are diluting my effectiveness. Like if there were 20 superheroes with the same superpowers as Superman, he wouldn't seem quite as super. But since there's only one who can do quite what he does, he remains the best of the best. Red hair is my super power (and sunlight my kryptonite!), and these others are all Bizarro Matthews.

This past weekend I started counting, and I have seen 15 redheads in the past 5 days. That seems like a high number to me. We make up maybe 5% of the population, and we all seem to have converged in NYC this week. Is there some sort of Redhead Convention going on at the Javits Center? Are they deciding important redhead-related policies that I need to know about? And how come I wasn't invited to attend? Is there some secret underground Redheaded League? And where do I sign up?

A long time to wait, on a line reaching far, far away...

2005-05-19T15:40:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to see a midnight showing of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and I am exhausted (and not just from the length of that title). After waiting for the movie to start for four hours and getting home after three in the morning, three hours of sweet, sweet sleep is not enough. I went with my younger brother Seanie, his girlfriend Fanny, and our cousin Andrew. Technically, we sent Seanie and Fanny on ahead to get a good spot in line. When Andrew and I arrived, there were about 800 crazed Star Wars freaks standing out in the cold, too many of whom were dressed up as Jedi knights and Sith lords. There were tons of guys with lightsabers flailing about and attacking one another. Grown men running around having lightsaber duels, colored plastic clashing against colored plastic. Very scary. Normally I would not be so intimidated by these sorts of guys, mainly because I'm wily and I can easily outrun any one of these hefty cheese dog-loving couch-potatoes. But in such sheer numbers, they might be able to take me.

I wasn't looking forward to this movie as much as everyone else in line seemed to be. The last two films were often dumb and sometimes even ludicrous. Getting bored in line I found myself loudly stating things to get a rise out of the Darth Vader-clad fanatics. Things like "hey, I hope Jar Jar Binks plays a more prominent role in this one. His quirky brand of humor adds just the right lighthearted tone to these movies!" or "that Hayden Christianson is so hot. When he comes on-screen, I'll show you all my lightsaber." From their collective response of awkward silence I concluded that the campy and the homoerotic seemed to be lost on this particular group.

Luckily, the theater manager, a boy named Louis who couldn't have been much older than 15, decided to smile upon us by letting us sit down in the theatre around 10pm. Only two hours to wait. We tried to pass the time with repeated trips to the bathroom and runs to the concessions stand where sodas, hotdogs, and popcorn were only $1. But that only worked for so long. I made a mental note to talk to Louis about getting a Dance Dance Revolution machine for the lobby. Sleep was slowly catching up with me an hour away from the start of previews. There was only so many times I could see the advertisements for the local motorcycle dealership and Coca-cola-sponsored trivia of famous stars' high school yearbook photo. It's Leonardo DiCaprio! It was Leonardo DiCaprio every time for the last 23 times they showed the damn frame. If you can't tell from the picture which looked just like Leonardo DiCaprio, they helped you with clues such as "sailed in Titanic " or "kept some Basketball Diaries." It was maddening!

So I did like any self-respecting gay boy desperate to non-sexually pass the time would do: I played Password. Password, you see, is the more subdued, less prepared version of $10,000 Pyramid. I happen to be excellent at both. I would think of a secret Password and give Seanie a one-word clue to get him to guess the Password. So I say words like "ankle," "sore," "chafe," and "band-aid." And Sean it takes him 10 minutes and 300 additional clues to guess that the Password is "blister." He give me two clues and I know the password is "pistachio". Needless to say I kicked his ass. But after realizing that I was playing Password for an hour and getting really, really into it, I couldn't decide who was the bigger geek: me or people dressed up like Wookies.

The movie itself was not great and certainly not worth the 4 hour wait. George Lucas's dialogue would make him ideal to write for the world of direct-to-video films but certainly not major motion pictures. How about Anakin and Padmé (who for some reason lives with lightsabers and starships with hyperspeed, yet can't determine that she is having twins?) there love for one another:

Anikan: You're so beautiful.
Padmé: That's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.

Further evidence that George Lucas has never been in love. And perhaps has never been laid.

The battles were pretty cool looking, but the CGI looks like just that, and the real actors look bored and exhausted trying to keep up with it all. Obi-Wan kept touching his face and beard, presumably to convey concern and worry, but instead it looked like Ewan McGregor was signaling to the audience "good God, how did I get myself involved in this pretty-looking trainwreck?"

So much about the movie was illogical or uninteresting. When Chancellor Palpatine gets up in front of everyone in the galactic Senate, he declares that since he was brutally attacked, he took it upon himself to reorganize the government into an Empire. "Oh and did I mention that I'm going to be the Emperor and then pass a decree stating that I can chew all the scenery on Coruscant?"

Are we supposed to buy that out of the 200,000 different races and cultures, not one of them has any objections or concerns about this? Instead everyone applauds? It would seem that Natalie Portman, Yoda, and Jimmy Smits are the only ones in attendance that have any reservations, but even they don't say anything.

The movie's intention is to make Anakin's decision to start playing for the other team the emotional center, but Lucas can't seem to find a good reason to make this pretty boy one of film's greatest villains. So Darth Vader exists because Hayden Christiansen had a bad dream? That's like finding out that Lex Luthor became the evil bald genius he is today because he was afraid of the dark. And when Darth Vader finally does appear? He is ruined by making him perform some cheesy mix of Frankenstein meets the end of Planet of the Apes. It's just silly. Do you know how hard you must work to make Darth Vader seem silly!?!?!?!

Despite my problems with the movie, I am glad that I went. Deep down I know I'm a huge sci-fi geek, just like all the people dressed as Ewoks on line with me. These are my people, the comic book-reading, Buffy-watching, star wars-lovers. And that scares a little. To think my best chance of finding a date in Jersey might have been on that line. Shudder! I must have standards of some kind, so I'm drawing the line at Star Wars Costume Guy.

Well, maybe the Saber People, if they are cute enough.

Hey Pot, Kettle called to tell you that you're black...

2005-05-17T14:31:00.000-04:00

It's not everyday that such a clear example of irony and hypocrisy presents itself on the world stage. Well with the Bush cabal in charge it happens at lot more than one would hope for, but today's is a classic.

The White House using the recent Newsweek article (which they vetted and whose claims came from Administration sources regarding a government report) claiming that US officials desecrated the Koran at Gitmo by flushing it down a toilet. Apparently, the White House is claiming this to be the sole reason for recent riots and uprisings in Afghanistan and other predominantly-Muslim countries throughout the Middle East (though I have a hard time with that, perhaps it was one factor among others). So everyone is blaming Newsweek for this violence that has led to numerous deaths.

Well, smelling blood in the water, the White House decided to attack the "liberal media" generally, and Newsweek specifically, stating that the inaccurate report based on an anonymous source has damaged the U.S. image overseas. But the juice is all in the quote. Are you ready for this one? Take it Scotty...

"It's puzzling that while Newsweek now acknowledges that they got the facts wrong, they refused to retract the story," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. "I think there's a certain journalistic standard that should be met and in this instance it was not."

"The report has had serious consequences," McClellan said. "People have lost their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged."

McClellan lecturing the media about a journalistic standard that should be met? Claiming that Newsweek is what has done the most damage to the U.S. image abroad?Isn't there also a political standard of accountability that should be met as well? Aren't the lives of over 100,000 people, American soldiers included, serious enough consequences for the President to apologize for his actions? Even if the Newsweek reports were wrong and the Koran was never flushed down any toilet, there is so much rage right now against America in so many areas of the world that the mere mention of such an act in an American magazine (and not a very good one at that) can cause people to become so violent. That is not Newsweek's fault. They were trying to do their job, if imperfectly. And they should be criticized for that. But that violence is a result of Bush's policies and actions. If we are talking about responsibility, let's have McClellan lecture Bush next time and not the news media.

They're just jealous because our sperm is more fabulous...

2005-05-16T11:31:00.000-04:00

The Food and Drug Administration will decide to forgo science in favor of bigotry next week when they implement new rules that would effectively bar gay men from donating sperm.

To the dismay of gay-rights activists, the Food and Drug Administration is about to implement new rules recommending that any man who has engaged in homosexual sex in the previous five years be barred from serving as an anonymous sperm donor.

The FDA has rejected calls to scrap the provision, insisting that gay men collectively pose a higher-than-average risk of carrying the AIDS virus. Critics accuse the FDA of stigmatizing all gay men rather than adopting a screening process that focuses on high-risk sexual behavior by any would-be donor, gay or straight.

The FDA seems to think that gay men hold a higher risk of HIV infection than any other group regardless of behavior. So if a guy is a intravenous drug user who has had unprotected anal sex with a prostitute, there is no policy that bars him from donating sperm, as long as the prostitute is a lady.

This is the same nonsense that happens with gay men not being allowed to give blood. Red Cross says if a man has had sex with another man even ONCE since 1976, he may not give blood, even if hes standing there with ten years of negative HIV test results in his hand. It makes no sense.

There is no special screening for any other group even those whose risks of transmitting HIV is greater than that of gay men. And there are other groups at higher risk these days. The FDA should be basing their decisions on scientific facts, not on bigotry and assumptions. This not only is this a homophobic policy that violates the civil rights of gay men, but effectively the FDA is putting out a dangerous message - one that implies you cannot get STDs through heterosexual relations.

There should be a screening process for all donors. I would like to think that all sperm and blood is tested for STDs and that there is no reason to exclude an entire segment of the population based on faulty inferences. Meanwhile I have but days to get my sperm donated to someone. I have yet to get any complaints about it. Any takers?

American idolatry...

2005-05-12T15:32:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine burned me a copy of the new Kelly Clarkson CD recently and I finally got around to listening to it for the first time this week. I've not-so-secretly loved Ms. Clarkson from afar since she first won America's heart by being crowned the First American Idol, the closest thing to royalty we have in this country. Last summer I saw her on tour with Clay Aitken, who though he did not officially win will one day become the Second American Idol should Reuben Studdard ever pose nude for Playboy (I've got my fingers crossed!)and I loved her.

Perhaps it was the cheap effects of colored lights shining down on a smoke-filled stage, perhaps it was the natural high I enjoyed from the over-stimulation of 10,000 screaming teenage girls surrounding me, or perhaps it was a blow to the head from the cadre of soccer moms who stormed the stage as Clay Aitken went by, but I feel in love with Ms. Clarkson that night. A decent voice, a sweet smile, and a set of unconventionally-wide hips made her seem human amongst the poorly-constructed facade of masculinity Clay tried to pull off. Sorry, Clay but no one is going to be tricked into thinking you are some powerful male. Kelly seemed so honest and real by comparison. So my love for this big-hipped Southern yokel began to blossom that day.

So I got my bootlegged copy of Kelly's CD (oh come off, it Kel, you could stand to miss a few meals anyway) and I was all set for a fun pop album with lots of spunk, as displayed in her hit single from the album, Since You've Been Gone. That song is about anger and emancipation, two things I can get behind, and with an addictive rhythm better than most pop music, it's hard not to love it. I expected more of the same.

What I got instead was a whole lot of pain and self-loathing wrapped in a rock package. Her lyrics echo with the haunt of lost love, a raging isolation, and an inability to move on. It is tragic. But with lyrics like "I hate myself for loving you" screaming over roaring guitars, it's impossible not to love her. I found myself tearing up listening to things like "Because of you / I find it hard to rust not only me / But everyone around me" and "I'm ashamed of my life / because it's so empty." It's heartbreaking and I fear for her mental health. I hope these songs are cathartic for her to work past these issues or she gets some therapy. I just want to throw my arms around her and tell it everything's going to be alright. I'm such a baby, I know. Now I'm sure Kelly Clarkson did not write all of this music by herself, but she personalizes it all in such a way to remove any doubt that she is feeling these things. After listening to this CD, I want to be her best friend. So Kelly, if you're out there and you need to talk, call me. We'll get through it together.

Now we know where the twins get it from...

2005-05-03T23:52:00.000-04:00

Since no one in the mainstream media that I have noticed will say it, I will. Laura Bush is not funny. I have watched the clip of her giving her little five minute stand-up act at the White House Correspondents Dinner a few times now (since CNN and friends can't stop themselves from airing it every couple of seconds). I've come to the conclusion that the people laughing in the audience are the same people who have kept Everybody Loves Raymond on the air all these painful years. Just not funny.

She watches Desperate Housewives? Ha. Ha. How Zeitgeist-y of her. The president is in bed by nine each night? Well, that hardly seems effective for a president. He once jerked off a male horse? That's just vulgar. I think hanging out with all those gangbangers she swore to help has made her a bit of a skank.

But I would forgive it if she were a funny skank. Her delivery of this simultaneously pedestrian and headshaking material was overly rehearsed and labored. It's like watching an unappealing Jay Leno. Can we please stop pretending that she was funny and interesting? Cause she's not. She's plastic and has the same creepy-eye affliction as Carol Channing, but without the talent. Let's stop laughing with Laura Bush and go back to laughing at her.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em...

2005-04-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

One of the things that bothers me so much about having to ride the PATH as my main source of transport to and from home each day is the lack of decent subway sex. No, not physical intercourse on a subway; that's something that happens only in pornographic films and European cities. Subway sex is the game one plays with total strangers when they devour each other with their eyes while riding a subway car together. It's a cheap thrill I've come to perfect, and yet the bridge and tunnel crowd offer up no one to play with whatsoever.

It usually begins when you spot someone attractive from across the subway car. You look them up and down, then subtly wait for their gaze to catch your eye. You hold the eye contact just long enough for your partner to realize it wasn't an accident... and you look away! Perhaps you focus on an uninteresting liquor advertisement or a kid selling Peanut M&M's to raise money to buy "new basketball jerseys." You're playing hard to get. You slowly begin to turn your attentions back to your prey. Can you feel them watching you yet? You quickly look them right in the eye! They've been caught staring! They divert their attention just as you did earlier. You repeat this game of cat-and-mouse for a few minutes. Then comes the half-smile.

You let them catch you with your eyes on them, but rather than turn away you put a sly smile on your face as if to say "You know I'm looking at you and I know you know I'm looking at you. What are you going to do about it?"

What they'll do is turn away. You continue your gaze and if they look back, if they meet your eyes this one last time... you win! For a brief encounter the social contract is revised and the rest of the train ride you have an unspoken agreement to stare. They have been conquered and they remain yours to gawk at till you come to your stop and you retreat into the city's safety of anonymity.

Subway sex is probably the only time I can be a top. I can be the aggressor it seems, when there are no words (or fluids!) to exchange. I will often pick out unsuspecting boys and force them to play my game. More often than not, you get someone who doesn't play along, but when someone does, the feeling of accomplishment overwhelming. The PATH train has no one I would even consider wasting my time on - all unappealing investment bankers and fat guys. It's enough to make one miss the L train.

Got a blue moon in my eye...

2005-04-05T09:55:00.000-04:00

I've been absent for some time. The Matt-Cave has been very cold and lonely, I know. Things have kept me away for a bit. The sort of things where you break up with your boyfriend of 3 years and have to go home to live with your parents and try to figure out how to reconstruct your life from the wreckage. So.. you know... stuff.

But I'm moving on. And I made Stephen promise to stop by The Matt-Cave from time to time and add his opinion. So now I'm taking a short break from paying rent while I get things back on track. To that end, I'm in good ol' Kearny, New Jersey regaining my sanity and commuting to the city every morning. I feel so suburban.

My morning commute has become the opening montage to The Sopranos. I speed through Northern New Jersey and gaze out across highways, landfills, rail yards, truck depots, the Pulaski Skyway - everything minus the destination of a comfortable estate paid for with mafia blood. Actually I think everything in Jersey has been paid for with mafia blood at some point. But rather than cruising through Jersey in a tacky SUV, I watch the sights from the even tackier PATH train.

I know how people around here feel about the PATH train, their unyielding loyalty to this very small transit system that becomes a complete burden after 11PM and smells like rancid deli meat the rest of the time. I have a soft spot in my heart for the PATH too. In high school, it used to get me into and out of NYC for Broadway shows and gay-themed movies all the time. But the people! Not a day passes when I don't see at least 2 copies of The Da Vinci Code and a Readers' Digest being read as if it were The New Yorker. I've seen and, worse yet, smelled enough breakfast burritos and McEgg-ey Meatwhiches (or whatever they call them) to last me a lifetime. And I don't know exactly what sort of work the woman from the Newark stop does everyday, but she seems to show up each morning in over-sized t-shirts, under-sized stretch pants, and just the right amount of rouge... for a whore.

It's an interesting assortment of sights and sounds and smells each morning. I do my best to lose myself in my Dunkin' Donuts coffee and my Star magazine. Because there is more than a little Jersey trash still in me too.

What's wrong with these F'Heads...

2005-03-16T11:24:00.000-05:00

The New York Post has hit a new low. And that's hard for a paper that prefers to put Star Jones and Michael Jackson on the cover (seperately as far as I know) when important newsworthy items like the recent bankruptcy bill that snuck thourgh Congress last week go untouched. But they found a way in the headline from yesterday's paper about Michael Bloomberg's trip to Israel.

MIKE'S H'CAUST HONOR

They contracted The Holocaust. Six million Jews were murdered during that time but The Post can't spare four lousy extra letters? Especially since the story is about Bloomberg's trip to dedicate a Holocaust mueseum. In a city filled with Jews, you would think they would be a little more sensitive.

Be werwy quiet, I'm huntin' Wabbits...

2005-03-13T11:41:00.000-05:00

The Internet ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs nothing if not a haven for inventive entrepreneurs. This American spirit of creatively making a buck is epitomized in this delicious website a friend sent me last week. SaveToby is a website dedicated to raising money on a colossal joke. I hope.

The site first introduces into a cute fuzzy bunny rabbit named Toby. Once the "awws" and "ohhs" begin to fade, we are told that the site's pwner is trying to raise money because this June, Toby is going to die if he can't raise enough. How is Toby going to die? The author intends to eat him. His need for moeny is really just a ransom. But it's damn funny. The site offers pictures of a confused rabbit in a frying pan and a cutting board. One section offers redcipes for cooking rabbit with ingrediants that call for 1/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil, 6 artichokes, and 1 Toby cut in serving-sized pieces flour for dusting with salt and pepper. Hillarious!

Well, it's not funny ha-ha. More funny sick-sick. But it must be a universal sickness. SaveToby is demanding its patrons all donate a dollar each via Paypal to save the little bunny. Its goal is to raise $50,000 by June 30th of this year. While that is a seemingly absurd amount, it's already raised over $18,000.

The American dream at work.

Remember The Alamo

2005-03-10T07:52:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, the Astor Place Cube mysteriously disappeared. The large spinning metal cube which is the hangout of skateboarders and street punks in the East Village went missing without explanation. The cube, whose actual name is The Alamo has sat on the street island near Cooper Union since 1966 and it's absence was a little weird when I walked past it last night to the subway.

There are a few reasons why I immediately found this curious. A few weeks ago, I read an article (which was pointed out to me by the ever-vigilant boyfriend) in The Times that said the cube no longer spun. There was some sort of problem with the spinning mechanism and people were complaining, though no one would take responsibility for the structure. The Village Alliance business improvement district said they were only in charge of cleaning graffiti off the sculpture but not maintenance. Cooper Union said they just give the black paint to the Alliance to cover the graffiti. The Department of Transportation said they don’t maintain the sculpture, but they do own the traffic island on which it sits. And neither the Parks Department nor the Department of Cultural Affairs can decide which is responsible for the cube. How could no one know who is in charge of this? Too many people in love with those freakin' transient Gates to care what happens to a permanent New York Institution? Suck it Jean-Claude!

My conspiracy theories started to kick in. No one want to fix it, so maybe the city just made it go away. There is a huge new shiny, undulating, curvavious building going up directly across from the cube, and I can't imagine the owners are keen to allow the kind of people the cube traditionally attracts to stick around much. Maybe they pulled a little weight to get rid of it completely. My friend Leigh, who first alerted me to its absence, was on the scent! The Parks Department removed the cube for cleaning and repairs and will return in 60 days. When people from the Parks Department claim something is going to happen in a timely manner, they usually have no idea what they are talking about. They took away the bandshell from Tompkins Square Park "for cleaning" and apparently threw it away years ago, never to be seen again. They claimed they were going to clean the Washington Square Arch for about 8 years but instead satisfied their obsessive compulsive tidiness by surrounding it in an attractive chain link fence (thought NYU is just as culpable in this instance). So when they say it'll be back in two months, I remain skeptical.

I bet Jimmy Olsen never had this happen to his photos...

2005-03-02T17:22:00.000-05:00

Once again one of my pictures I took for The Pearl made it into a major metropolitan publication. And once again they messed it up. Above is a picture published in Time Out New York of the cast of I Have Been Here Before, now playing at The Pearl Theatre Company. It's a suspensful thriller with a strong social conscious. Highly recommended. If you look closely at the picture however there seems to be a special guest star. Whose image is that on Dan Daily's jacket? Let's take a closer look, shall we?

2005-03-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

Why it's Pope John Paul II! He's not on his death bed at all! He's stopped by to visit my photo!

How weird is this? We called Time Out to see what could have happened, and all the editor could say was "The Pope? What?"

Yes sir the Pope! He said there was nothing he could do about it at this point, and that it must have been a problem with one of the designers. But I don't believe it. This smacks of divine intervention to me. We try to remain a secular institution, but then the Pope comes out and endorses you. And in the most bizarre, yet spiritually inspiring way possible. Just like the Shroud of Tourin! It would be extremely maddening if it wasn't so God-damned funny. Oops! Gotta be careful of such language. The Pope could be anywhere.

At least they spelled me name correctly this time.

Muppets take Hollywood...

2005-03-01T14:17:00.000-05:00

I dreamt about the Oscars last night. I think I've become a little obsessed with them this year even though I didn't get to watch a single moment of the ceremony Sunday. The Pearl Theatre Company had an opening night performance and party for our most recent show I Have Been Here Before that night and I had to attend. For the record, our party was scheduled a year in advance, so it was the Oscars fault not ours. For shame Academy! You should check with off-Broadway theatres before planning your events!

Although I missed the entire broadcast, I had off the next day and spent it watching more masturbatory coverage of everything that happened how much the entertainment industry just LOVES Hollywood. Commentators such as Star Jones and Oprah were almost embarrassing to watch. It was as if they had never seen a famous person before. Try to keep it in your pants, ladies. It demeans all of us.

That said, last night I dreamt I was on the set of The Muppet Oscars Special and it was just as if it were backstage on the old Muppet TV show. There were no Muppeteers, just Muppet torsos hiding behind conveniently placed hedges and brick walls. In between the on-air skits (possibly guest-starring Joan Rivers, I can't be sure), all the Muppets were anxiously awaiting the most personal Oscar category to be announced: Best Performance of a Pig in a Motion Picture. Miss Piggy was up for the award as usual, but she had never won in all her years as a prestigious pigtress extrodinaire. Everyone feared a upstart piglet, who had no name and no features save for the fact that she always wore a tanktop, would live up to her buzz and take home the award that was rightfully Piggy's. The moment came. Leonardo DiCaprio announced the nominees, though there only seemed to be two. And the winner is... the no-name younging's name was announced. Poor Miss Piggy was crushed, though she hid it behind a mask of indignation, fake-refinement, and, of course, a temper tantrum.

Obviously my psyche was upset over Annette Bening's second lose to the mannish Hillary Swank. Oh so you fly in the face of gender stereotypes by talking with your horse-voice and acting like a jock. Bravo! Excuse my sarcastic clapping, but I'm concerned for Ms. Bening's feelings, a woman of all class. I find it telling that my subconscious equates grace, panache, and an almost regal elegance with a stuffed pig. Or maybe I have been watching a little too much Star Jones Oscars coverage.

Requisite Gates Photo

2005-02-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

The Gates
Originally uploaded by mscoleman.

Under The Gates

2005-02-26T10:03:00.000-05:00

Under The Gates
Originally uploaded by mscoleman.

All of New York has been abuzz these past few weeks with The Gates of Central Park. Is it art? Is it beautiful? Is Jean-Claude insane? These are the questions whispered throughout the city. There is very little that I can add to the conversation that hasn't already been discussed ad nauseum so many other places. But regardless of what you think of The gates artistic merits it is impressive and interesting for its scope. I find it sweet. Walking through Jean-Claude's hair color on a gray winter afternoon with so many fellow New Yorkers brings a certain contentment. It's a lovely experience, I feel. As long as you head as far north as possible. I'm all for New Yorker-ly togetherness, but if you try to enter at 59th Street, the very bottom of the park, you will go crazy by the amount of tourists you have to fight through. There is only so much togetherness you can take in this city.

Me vs. Bush...

2005-02-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

Last night Bush had dinner with French President Jacques Chirac. They feasted on lobster risotto with truffle sauce, filet of beef with bordelaise sauce, and chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

I had two whiskey sours and a box of Snow-Caps for dinner.

Does that seem fair to anyone else?

Isn't she a beauty? I call her Sharky...

2005-02-14T14:02:00.000-05:00

The Shark Cordless Sweeper with intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology.

What I did on my weekend vacation Part 3...

2005-02-12T10:55:00.000-05:00

Sunday came and with it the last chance I would have to get a Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. We'd already tried the shopping thing, but that wasn't specific enough. I needed a reason to get into Target that seemed pressing, yet realistic. My mother can only be "tricked" when confronted with an item in the store. Theoretical wishing for something will get you a response like "Well, your birthday is coming up." Why does she consider that a reasonable phrase to use all-year round? My birthday is most certainly not coming up in August, since I was born in April. Still it's a foolproof excuse to my mother.

As if by fate, the urgent need to go to Target came. I broke my shoelace! I've never been happier to have done something so stupid. Getting new shoelaces is always nice, if inconvenient. You look at your dirty old shoes in a new way. Like when your Grandma gets a new haircut. She's not getting any younger, but the change is nice. Being at home for only a weekend I had the one pair of sneakers, so I had to tie my shoes together with a safety pin. I may have looked like a fool, but it was a small price to pay.

Finally at Target, I perused their shoelaces (can't jump right into the appliance section too quickly, lest she discover what I'm up to). A very small variety of a very few ugly laces. They seemed to only carry various colors of the same hiking boot shoelace. Not surprising considering the type of shoes they sell there. Target it where Nike's circa '92 go to die.

Swinging by the kitchen section, I furiously looked for the Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. "What are you looking for?" Mom asked. "I'll know it when I see it," I replied. But it didn't see it. I heard it. Some kid was playing with a box and the box was talking. It sounded very similar to the drawn-out dulcet tones of a Mr. Moviefone voice. "The Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology uses a unique brush action to effortlessly clean floors, stairs, and even those hard-to-reach places." It was like music to my ears.

The Shark manufacturers turned the box for their product into an infomercial. It had a hologram displaying the unique brush action with directional arrows and everything and it spoke when you pressed the button. I ripped it from the child's grasp to admire it further. How could someone not buy it? It's so neat and it's only $60.00. "Maybe it costs that much because they put it in such a fancy box," Mom grumbled. "But Mom," I pleaded, "I need my wall's hugged, and since these Shark people have the patent, my hands are tied." She was an easy sell. Perhaps my secretive plan was more obvious this weekend then I thought. "Okay, put it in the cart." Success!

In the car I was admiring the photographs of the Shark's abilities. "It can suck up large nuts and bolts. Just think of all the home projects I can tackle now without fear of making a mess. And look how it easily picks up all of that sand. I can go to the beach much more often now. Wow, my quality of life is going to improve exponentially." By the time we made it back to my parent's, my mother expected me to take it out of the box to use on her floors. I refused. I didn't want to waste the sure-to-be magical inaugural cleaning on somebody else's floor. Even if that somebody was the Shark's benefactress.

I made it home and immediately assembled the Shark. So easy and intuitive. And it came out of the box fully charged. I spent 10 minutes sweeping every floor in the apartment (it's a very small apartment!). It was as effortless as promised, but I feared that it might not work well on our terribly uneven floors. When opened the compartment to dump any dirt I picked up, I was shocked an appalled by the amount of garbage and filth that my floors were covered in. Thank god the Shark came into our lives to save us from the hidden crumbs and dust bunnies that have plagued us without our knowledge. It's the greatest device I ever bought, and it didn't cost me a penny. Now I know how Jane Jetson must feel!

What I did on my weekend vacation Part 2...

2005-02-10T07:52:00.000-05:00

My mother and I have always played this little game. We go shopping together. I pick out some clothes or an appliance or something stupid and use my best infomercial reasoning of why one would need such a thing. She plays the part of the doubting consumer. As an example, here is a little play:

ME: Look at this corkscrew! Isn't this the greatest corkscrew you've ever seen? Read the box! You screw it into a cork and it pulls the cork out for you. You'll never have to use a dangerous knife when opening wine again!

MOMMY: Displaying a suspiscious don't-even-ask-me-to-buy-that-for-you look on her face: Looks like any other corkscrew to me. I hope you have enough money to pay for it yourself.

ME: Placing the item in our shopping cart: I just might buy it for myself then.

They arrive at the register.

ME: $50 does seem like a lot of money for a corkscrew. You're right I can't really afford it. Even though I really need one. Exagerates a sad sigh face, which can hardly be contained behind a smile.

Both know what's going on and both know how this is going to end.

ME: Speaking absurdly to rouse fake guilt: I cut myself 3 times trying to get into a bottle of Pinot Grigio last week.

Mommy half-smiles and places corkscrew on the checkout counter. She secretly loves it.

This was the same game I intended to play in order to earn my Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. It's not hard to get my mom to dance this dance.

Rule #1: Get her in the shopping mood. Spend an afternoon of shopping with her before the purchase, which I would probably do anyway.

Rule #2: Play your hand close to your chest. I don't want to reveal my ultimate plan too soon. The key is to drop small hints into coversation throughout the day. "Yeah, the floors in my apartment are so difficult to clean," and "So I saw Raelyn last night. Ya know what she did at her surprise party, that crazy girl! It was so funny..." Sounds easy, but it takes a lifetime of practice to make sure it doesn't seem forced.

Rule #3: Make it convenient stop. We went to Barnes and Noble Booksellers to pick up a few books, to the mall to return a watch and browse, and headed home. No Target in the vacinity. I would have to draw her to it. I suggested a movie at the theater right next to the local Target.

My Dad came with us to see Hide and Seek starring creepy little Dakota Fanning and creepy old Robert DeNiro. For anyone out there who doesn't know who Charlie is, it really isn't worth finding out. The reveal is so boring and cheats so much, one can only be disappointed. Why didn't Dakota Fanning just tell her father who it was? If I ever have a daughter as creepy and secretive as this girl, she better look out. When supernatural-seeming things happen around children, you have to just smack them around a little and be done with it. Think of all the suffereing and havoc that could have been avoided if the adults in such movies as Poltergeist or The Exorcist would have just given those little girls a good crack in the mouth and told them "Just knock this crap off."

I tried my best to learn my lesson from The Wedding Date fiasco and sat far enough away from everyone else as possible. This plan does not prevent other people of terrible hygene from sitting next to you. A family of 5 sat in the seats next to me, and I didn't have the heart to tell the heavyset grandfather that I was saving the seat for someone, though all my senses were telling me to lie. He sat down and immediately started complaining to his daughter and her 5 year-old son (who brings an impressionable 5 year-old to see a bloody thriller, especially one starring a ill-behaved Dakota Fanning?) that the oversized seats in which we sat were too small and uncomfortable.

It was not my weekend for breathing in movie theaters because as soon as he settled down the scent of my large wheezing neighbor's leather ball-cap began to mingle with his considerable B.O. and drift my way. To top it off he whipped out a hotdog. "With all the fixin's," he remarked to his wife. Have you ever smelled the combination of the leather, the non-kosher hotdog, fixin's, and man-sweat? My parents chuckled at me the whole movie. Perhaps Mommy would feel sympathy for my plight and bestow upon me a Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. With my father driving home, there was no way we were stopping at Target tonight. I would have to wait till morning.

What I did on my weekend vacation Part 1...

2005-02-08T08:37:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I went home to New Jersey to visit my family. Secretly, the reason I crossed the river was to go to Target with my mother to purchase a Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. I was first introduced to this amazing device during a friend's surprise party. Shouting "Surprise!" was followed by a confetti explosion. A few minutes later, with a glass of champagne in hand, the birthday girl brought out the Shark and sucked up the confetti one-handed! To me it was the highlight of the party and I have been dreaming of a Shark ever since. So began my New Jersey adventure.

Before going to my parents house, I first met up with my best friends Steve and Raelyn who live in Jersey City for Indian food and a cheesy movie, though in hindsight we might have been better served going for cheesy food and an Indian movie. We walked along Jersey City's "Little India" street to find a decent Indian restaurant. Apparently Mr. Patel owns the entire block (Patel-Mart, Patel Video, etc.). We settled on one place solely because of the waterfall in the window. Hell, with a budget big enough to afford a waterfall, they must be doing something right. It would seem others felt the same way. The place was filled with young, white kids (some of which we even knew) seduced by the spectacle of rushing water past a window. Kudos to their Marketing Director, Mr. Patel. We made the mistake of mentioning that we were in a rush. This seemed to offend someone, because we had to ask for our food 3 times. What food I was able to stop and savor was delicious, but have you ever tried to eat an order of Chicken Vindaloo in less than 10 minutes? It is not recommended. With our movie starting soon, we asked for the check. Four times. I've never seen anyone concentrate on adding up a $40 check longer than our waiter, Mr. Patel.

In the car, we raced toward the movie theater to see The Wedding Date. Debra Messing was getting married and we were going to be late! The very idea was too much to bear! Against all the basic properties of physics, Steve drove from Jersey City to Elizabeth in 20 minutes. We developed one of our perfect schemes of splitting up with the greatest efficiency to park/pick-up tickets/get a large vat of Diet Coke. Our detailed planning panned out and we made it just in time to see Debra sleep with some hooker and fall in love. It was Pretty Woman meets My Best Friend's Wedding meets Every Predictable Romantic Comedy. It was fun and cheesy and probably a waste of money, but I learned some valuable lessons. For one, prostitutes rarely worry about STD's and are, oh, so loveable. And for another, you should never sit in the movie theater next to two fat ladies in oversized t-shirts, stretch pants, and scrunci; chances are they are going to be eating buffalo wings with a grotesque zeal that can only charitablely be called unlady-like. Between smell of the vinegar, and the audible sucking of their saucy fingers, I spent most of the movie trying to curl up to Raelyn to get as far from these former beauty queens as possible.

Afterwards, we discussed the many benefits of the movie. High on the list was Dermot Mulroney's ass and Debra's hair. Maybe that was just my list, but I could watch those two things do anything for two hours. I was dropped off to my parents' house in Kearny. My parents and my brother, Sean, went to bed within minutes of my arrival; I stayed up with Seanie's girlfriend, Fanny. You all know her. We watched crappy late night TV and I told her all about my Shark Cordless Sweeper with an intelligent swivel head and patented wall-hugging technology. It was only Friday night, but I was determined to get it. And get my Mom to pay for it.

George Bush: Cock-eyed optimist...

2005-02-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

Just once I'd like the president to come out and say: "Quite frankly, the Union could be in a much better state. It's not doing too good." But it always seems to be going very well in the president's estimation. Maybe we always seem to elect optimists.

For those of you who made it through all yesterday's State of the Union address, I'm sure you know by know the president covered very little new ground. Mostly he spent time on the usual list that we have grown accustomed to or expect. Iraq is a huge success, trial lawyers and activist judges are the reason you have no job or health insurance, let's all agree to hate gays, let's all agree to like black folk, etc. Pretty routine stuff.

He added a new one to this list last night. The president proposed a radical new change to social security: eliminating all security from the program. For everyone 55 and over, you're in the clear. He promised nothing would change. For everyone else, benefits would be reduced when we come of old-age. Oh, but those Republican sweethearts are nice enough to allow us to then put some of our money and put it into the stock market. How nice of them! It's all the buy-in of a 401 K plan with none of the flexibility or security! This is the same terrible predatory worldview that outfits every check-cashing place with lottery machines. The stock market is a gamble, with the only guaranteed winners the brokers whose fees we'll all be paying and men like the president who hate Social Security for moral reasons. Bush lied about the program's outlook in 2042 becoming bankrupt and exhausted. That's just not true by anyone's measurements. There is no crisis that requires any more than small adjustments. The only things bankrupt and exhausted here are the President's ethics. I suggest investing in shares for candles and cat food now if you want any hope of a return on your retirement fund.

There were a few other mentions in the State of the Union that caught me by surprise and were just laughable. The best moment came when he announced that the First Lady is now in charge of gangs in the country. "Taking on gang life will be one part of a broader outreach to at-risk youth, which involves parents and pastors, coaches and community leaders, in programs ranging from literacy to sports. And I am proud that the leader of this nationwide effort will be our First Lady, Laura Bush." At this point, people started to puzzlingly clap as Laura stood up and started to curtsey. Look out, all you bitches. Polly Pocket is in the hizzouse. Hollah!

Blame it on the rain...

2005-01-30T17:42:00.000-05:00

Ted Kennedy speaks. Bush should listen.

The United States should start to withdraw militarily and politically from Iraq and aim to pull out all troops as early as possible next year, Sen. Edward Kennedy said on Thursday.

After Sunday's Iraqi elections, Kennedy said President Bush should state he intends to negotiate a timetable with the new Iraqi government to draw down U.S. forces.

At least 12,000 U.S. troops should leave at once, Kennedy said, "to send a stronger signal about our intentions to ease the pervasive sense of occupation."

The Massachusetts Democrat, who opposed the U.S. invasion of Iraq, became the first senator to lay out a plan for Bush to start withdrawing troops a day after the Pentagon (news - web sites) warned lawmakers that strikes by insurgents may increase after Sunday's elections [...]

"We now have no choice but to make the best we can of the disaster we have created in Iraq," Kennedy in a speech to the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies. "The current course is only making the crisis worse."

He said the indefinite presence of U.S. troops is "fanning the flames of conflict" in what has become "a war against the U.S. occupation."

Thank you Ted! Finally someone of national prominence is saying what a large percentage of the country has been feeling. Now I'm not sure if I even favor the complete removal of US forces, but we need to figure out when we can leave. Hopefully, with Kennedy coming out in favor of withdrawal, the nation can now have the debate. Too bad it looks like republicans are doing what they love to try: squashing debate by attacking the debater.

Glenn Reynolds, Ann Coulter, and FOX News hosts lashed out at Kennedy and the "Left" for calling bullshit what it is. Rather than question the bullshit rationales for war, and rather than question the incompetent waging of the war by this administration, they want to talk about Kennedy's patriotism.

Expect more of this. This war is long past lost. Time to pack it in, and save the lives of our men and women in uniforms left to be saved.

In the feverish minds of the war apologists, it doesn't matter that no WMDs were found, that torture chambers are still open for business, that this war is now rivaling Saddam's brutality for sheer number of Iraqis killed, that the Army, Marines, and National Guard are all having trouble recruiting, that our equipment is degrading to the point where we're creating a hollow military, that the war is costing us $200 billion and counting, that Israel is not safer as a result of this war, that nearly 1,600 allied troops and counting have died on this fool's errand, that the US's original choice to lead Iraq -- Chalabi -- was an Iranian spy who told our enemies that we had cracked their communications code, that most of Iraq is not under government control, that terrorists are now using the lawlessness in Iraq to recruit and train a whole new generation of terrorists, that our "Coalition of the Willing" is now a mere shell of its former self, that the world hates the United States, that the Euro is suddenly the hot currency, that Europe and Asia are both creating security organizations excluding the US, and that tens of thousands of our soldiers are coming home physically and mentally maimed.

None of that matters to them.

But they see the war getting out of hand. They've see our chances of victory go from little to nothing. And they've got to blame someone. Anyone. And of course, it can't be Saint George, because he's perfect and can do no wrong. So blame Kennedy. Blame Boxer. Blame France. Blame Canada. Because it is they who have botched up the Iraqi campaign to the point of no hope. If it wasn't for them, our troops would still be basking in a flood of rose petals.

But at the end of the day, whether they'll ever admit it or not -- we were right, they were wrong. Reality isn't too kind to faith-based lunatics.

It's an honor just to be nominated...

2005-01-25T10:55:00.000-05:00

The Oscar nominations are out this morning are there are very few surprises. One thing that stood out to me is the absence of Paul Giamatii in the Best Actor category for Sideways. That is sort of a crime, but it's a very full category this year. Don Cheadle in Hotel Rwanda (a performance everyone will rave about but no one will see),
Johnny Depp in Finding Neverland (cause he's cute and we love him), Leonardo DiCaprio in The Aviator (cause the Hughes fortune still owns Hollywood), Clint Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby (for playing gruff and brooding - such an accomplishment for him! ugh!), and Jamie Foxx in Ray (for deserving to win from all accounts). Jamie Fox also got a nomination in the Best Supporting Actor category for his role in Collateral. Who would have thought this guy would become such a respected actor over the course of one year?

Over in the Best Actress category it's the very much anticipated rematch between the manish Hillary Swank and the radiant Annette Bening. Swank plays a girl boxer who trains with Clint Eastwood and warms his heart. Jeez, I hate sports movies. And I especially hate boxing. So I'm dreading having to see this movie. But I will try to keep an open mind. In the meantime, Annette Bening, who’s always held a special place in my heart, was absolutely perfect in Being Julia. It was one of those perfect movies that engages on so many levels and you never want to end. And the last 15 minutes are some of the most satisfying I've ever had in a movie theatre. (Not counting that time in that Chelsea "movie house.")

It's also been pointed out to me by my friend Leigh that Fahrenheit 9/11 was not nominated for anything. I'm not sure if Michael Moore entered it into the Best Picture category like he once suggested he would. If so, it's his own fault for over-reaching. Still, it's too bad.

Hibernating for the weekend...

2005-01-24T16:56:00.000-05:00

So I survived the Blizzard of '05. Oh it was a perilous experience fraught with frigid danger at every turn, such as the absence of any compelling television programming and risk from cuddling suffocation. These might not seem like the sort of problems one usually encounters in the frozen tundra, but it's about as exciting as my weekend got.

The northeast was hit with massive snowfall this past weekend and I spent the entire time holed up in my apartment cooking, reading comic books, and watching DVDs, and doing odd household projects. It was relaxing, especially the part where I stayed in my pajamas the whole time.

Like all Americans, when we got wind of a major snow storm we rushed to the supermarket and stocked up on essential food stuffs, like Diet Coke and frozen pizzas. We try to skip the bread and milk sections, as that is generally the truly psychotic people often converge and get into fisticuffs. No thank you. I can go a few days without calcium and carbs if it means I get to keep all my teeth. We also stocked up on gay cult classic movies like Harold and Maude and Sunset Boulevard. It's the only way to stay sane. (They were all out of other gay cult classics Man-tasy Island and The Best Little Whorehouse in Tex-Ass. Suffice it to say we barely survived the ordeal.)

I got around to doing a household project that I've been dreading for weeks now- affixing fabric ties to out duvet cover. Essentially you sew loose fabric to the inside corners of your duvet cover as well as to the corners of the duvet itself. Then you tie the two pieces of fabric together. This keeps your duvet from shifting inside the cover while you sleep, but allows you the flexibility to wash the cover only. In theory it's a quick solution to an annoying problem.

But I'm no Martha when it comes to sewing. So we went to her website for instruction. Martha's directions call for color-coding the fabric strips? Fuck off Martha! What, does she think I got all day?

Apparently I do! I spent 4 hours sewing these ties into place. It was grueling experience filled with shouting and needle-pricking and despair. I watched Parenthood while I worked and marveled at the sheer number of bits I didn't get at all when I watched it as a kid. My parents let me watch a movie filled with road-head and vibrators? I had no idea they were so progressive. I also had enough time in the sweatshop to catch all the behind the scenes intrigue on E! True Hollywood Story: Family Feud. It was a lot less scintillating than you might think; yet they inexplicably stretched it out over the course of 2 hours. I'll sum it up for you. Richard Dawson = Ego. Ray Combs = Depressive. Louie Anderson = Fat. Finally I finished the sewing and tied the duvet into place. The jury is still out on whether this will actually work properly but i remain hopeful. I think it would be much easier to just buy a proper comforter, but my boyfriend insists that duvets are classy and comforters are for poor people. So instead he forces his indentured servant to sew all day long from him. I might as well live in Malaysia.

Throughout the weekend I was compelled to watch the local news coverage of the storm. These guys wait all their lives to cover a blizzard. It can make or break careers. The least I could do was watch and marvel at the hysteria and blandness of the newscasters and their segments. "Oh Katy, it's still coming down here in Long Island." "That's right Steve, it's snowing here in Little Ferry as well. And an interesting development - the temperature is also rather chilly." 22 minutes of this. It seems that they'll let any random airhead with Crest White Strips on air. God, I love a blizzard.

My mailman thinks I'm a Communist...

2005-01-18T15:10:00.000-05:00

I take mail very personally. Someone takes the time to write me a letter or at least direct an intern to lick a stamp, I think I should give it some consideration. I'm a perfect target for the direct mail industry, I know. But I like getting mail. I feel the mail I receive is indicative of who I am.

I work in not-for-profit theatre, so I get many emails and unsolicited brochures of cultural offerings. It says that I am a culturally aware individual, at least to the mailman.

Having given to many a liberal organization the last few years from the DNC to Move On, I get donation materials from all sorts of left-wing organizations like PETA, and every single liberal running for anything in the country. This tells the mailman that I have a core set of political beliefs that I support, that I probably voted against Bush (twice!), and that I have more money than I actually do.

In 2003, I graduated from NYU. Anyone without a trust fund who graduated from NYU knows the amount debt one racks up there. To prove it, at least once a week I get a letter whose envelope tells me how urgent it is to open this telegram-looking mailer immediately. I fall for it every time, and rip open the letter only to discover it's yet another collection agency promising to save me another interest percentage point on my outstanding loans. Hopefully these types of letters explain to the mailman that I can't have too much money.

I understand where these mails come from, and why I am getting them. I imagine there is a vast interconnected universe of mail rooms out there that share a database. And next to my entry it says: "liberal, generous, debt, etc." Or maybe it just says: "sucker."

Then there are those mails that I assume everyone gets, but that doesn't stop me from taking them very personally. For instance, why are The Internets so convinced that not only do I have a mortgage, but one that is in such desperate need for refinancing? Who have my email providers been talking to, and why do they assume my penis needs enlarging? Why do I get crazy catalogs filled with all sorts of crap, such as angel statuary and novelty t-shirts with messages like "you should see me without my coffee?" (Okay, maybe that last one is mine own fault for ordering that ceramic cow complete with dress-up clothes for my ex-patriated friend.)

Well last week my take-it-to-heart attitude really struck me hard when I received a pamphlet in the mail to join the Communist Party. That's right. THE Communist Party! I've been accused of being super left-wing before, when I am in reality a very loyal Democratic Party-man. Has my disgust with all things Bush gone and labeled me a Communist? Are my left-of-center views so radical that I have to join the Commies for proper representation? And why doesn't that chairmen's picture inside the front cover look even remotely Russian and evil?

It's unnerving to have your beliefs suddenly attributed to such a politically loaded label like that. But I've always said that communism works great on paper. And this pamphlet is very convincing.

But for now I'll stick with mainstream Democrat underdogs and leave my voter registration card alone.

I feel like Baby New Year..

2005-01-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

Where to start? I've been gone for the past 2 weeks for the holidays and so much as happened in the world. What have you all done without me? Deep down I'd like to think you've all missed my ramblings, but I'm sure you found something productive to occupy that 4 minutes a day you spend rolling your eyes at what The Matt-Cave has to say that afternoon.

But it's the new year, and I am back on duty. In the coming days I hope to get back into the swing of things, relating a few things from my travels as well as my endless opinions on current affairs. Usually I don't perscribe to the sentimentality of the new year. I've never been one to truly get caught up in the faux-feelings of renewal just because it's time to open a new calendar (Mine has lovely farm houses and scenic vistas on it. I'm very smitten with it. It's from a bank.) But this year, it seems a little different for me. Perhaps I've finally allowed my anger over the recent election to subside a bit. Or maybe all that crack has finally caught up with me.

Whatever the reason I feel renewed. Which strikes me as odd considering the state of affairs these days. The year ahead holds plenty to dislike - tsunami fallout, a war, republicans, Ashlee Simpson. But it also holds some positive things - the growth of a liberal grassroots political machine, humanitarian aid efforts, and a brand-new Law and Order spin-off. It has potential to be a great year and I have a whole heck of a lot of resolutions to make in the next few days. Maybe this year I'll try to keep some of them.

Christmas karma...

2004-12-20T22:47:00.000-05:00

With Christmas closing in on all of us, let me tell you a little Christmas story. It has warmth, heartbreak, and an ultimately happy ending that inspires us all to keep Christmas in our hearts year-round. Okay, now that the schmaltzy crap is out of the way...

Recently at work, we played a Secret Santa game. This is where everyone picks a name out of a hat and must select a present for that person without anyone's knowledge. The main present is often preceded by small presents in the days running up t the office Christmas party, little things such as a little candy or Christmasy item. This way you tease each other with gifts while wondering the identity of your mysterious benefactor, just like Pip in Great Expectations. It's a Dickensian Christmas. God bless us, everyone!

I had some trepidations about playing this little office game because I've had some bad luck in the past with Christmas gift-giving games. To understand my reservations, I must first make a confession. I was once a boy scout.

"What?!?!?" you must be thinking. "A little gay kid was in the boy scouts?!?!" I know, it's shocking, but times were different back then. Actually I was a cub scout. I never made it to the real boy division; I think I was a Tiger or Wolf Cub. Technically, I am still some sort of small woodland animal in the eyes of the BSA organization.

This happened when I was about seven years-old (give or take a few cute red inches of me). And though I unfortunately left the pack before I ever got my hands on that coveted Boy's Life magazine or the other boys at a Scout Camp Jamboree, I did enjoy a few years of pre-pubescent scouting. From the little I can remember, we met in the dark drafty basement/cafeteria of the Catholic school my brothers and I attended when we lived on the mean streets of Jersey City. They never turned all the lights on so there were always pitch black areas of the room I would stare out into awaiting creepy figures to materialize from the shadows. I was convinced Freddy Krueger was living here but have yet to prove. Our packs were run mostly by our Den Mothers, my own Mom being one of them. I don't really remember any Den Dads around, which strikes me as odd for the Boy Scouts.

It was Christmas time and we were having some sort of Cub Scouting party in honor of the birth of Santa Claus, or some such thing. The basement walls were decorated with many cardboard holiday pictures, such as snowmen and Christmas trees and menorahs (maybe I'm just projecting that one), but it did little to cover up the fact that a murderous janitor called this eerie place home after we all left. All of the kids were to bring a small wrapped gift with them to this scouting party for a grab-bag game. My mother had wrapped up some sort of Lego set for me to bring. I remember thinking that this would be such a great gift, because I had the same Legos at home and I loved it! I would be the hero of the cub scouts for bringing the best gift ever! I would be revered higher than the mighty Akela for this! It was to be great.

So we played the grab-bag game. According to the rules dictated by the Den Mothers, the kids would place all of the presents in the bag and the children would blindly feel around and choose a gift one at a time. When the huge black garbage bag (festive!) was full, we all lined up and began choosing. After a few kids went, it was my turn. I felt around looking for a present that felt half as interesting as mine. When I decided on a long heavy box, I pulled it out to reveal that it was the same present I had brought. I tried to put it back and try again, but the Den Mother in charge of the bag wouldn't let me. I tried to explain that I knew what this gift was. She accused me of cheating! Have you ever tried to explain to a Den Mother that there had been a mistake? That the rules were vague and in the spirit of the game, you should be allowed a little leeway? No, she wouldn't hear of it. Drunk on power, she told me to stop ruining the game for everyone and get out of line.

Shamed, I spent a good portion of the remainder of the party in one of those dark Krueger-infested corners feeling sad and embarrassed. My Mom, being a Den Mother for some other group of little cubs, was busy spreading some holiday cheer. I'm pretty sure she looked up, saw me sobbing in the dark by myself, and shrugged. It's a painful memory on all fronts.

So you can see why I might be averse to playing gift-giving games. Against my better judgment I decided to play the Secret Santa game, not expecting to receive any little do-dad or treat prior to the unmasking. Little did I know my Santa loved Christmas games.

One day I got a CD. The next day I got candy. The day after that there was a ridiculous Christmas ornament featuring a Cello-playing Santa, presumably from a dollar store. Then there was a lovely tin full of delicious teas, a little book, and some Christmas potpourri. Finally I received a Santa hat that said "Matthew Claus" on it. My final "real" gift was a multi-media art set with paints and such. It was great! I felt like Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life.

Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas, Savings & Loan!

Is our children learning?

2004-12-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

It was announced today that Jenna Bush, presdiental daughter and White House drunk, will be teaching at a public school in Washington, D.C.

I can just picture it now. "Okay class, today is going to be another free period. Find some work to occupy yourself, becasue teacher has a splitting headache again"

How long will it be till our First Slut (or is that Barbara?) is involved in a sexual scandal for sleeping with the football team?

How the gas-guzzler stole Christmas...

2004-12-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

Every year my Grandma buys Hess trucks for all ten of her grandchildren and two great-grandchildren. We all know those toy trucks from their endlessly recycled commercial with the children's choir singing "My Boyfriend's Back" substituting the lyric "boyfriend" with "Hess truck." Each year they roll out a new truck--or helicopter, or space shuttle (seriously)--and each year since I've been born my Grandma has gotten me one for Christmas.

It's always fun to see what over the top gadgets the Hess company plans on putting on its toys. Last year, the massive 18-wheeler featured an internally illuminated box trailer that stacked two mini racing cars, cashing in on the popularity of NASCAR. The year prior, the flatbed tractor-trailer had a pullout ramp for the enclosed crop-duster, cashing in on the popularity of insecticides.

I have an entire collection and though I am much too old to play with these trucks, it's a tradition that I cherish. But this year Hess is ruining Christmas for everyone. Or at least everyone who has a toy truck-loving Grandma and a conscience.

It's the 40th Anniversary of the Hess truck and this year's model is a Hummer! Specifically the toy model is described as the 2004 Hess Sport Utility Vehicle with Motorcycles. The toys details include chrome bumpers, grille and running boards, a sunroof, all terrain tires, and a rear spoiler. A push button on the rear roof releases the tailgate, which folds down to become a ramp for the two sport motorcycles inside.

Did Hess consider the ethics that as a gas company, perhaps they should think twice about depicting a gas-guzzling environmental hazard as their signature holiday toy truck? Besides being over-priced, less safe, and more fuel-inefficient than all other vehicles, the Sports Utility Vehicle is also misnamed, as they are not at all sporty and offer utilities few ever use. I find SUVs, Hummer's especially, repugnant and those who own them morally bankrupt. It's all I can do when I spot a Hummer parked across 3 parking spaces on the street to keep myself from slashing the tires. I just tell myself, people don't buy SUVs and erode the health of the environment, assholes do.

So does this make my Grandma as asshole? I don't think so. She'll buy us all Hess trucks again this Christmas. And I'll uncomfortably accept and thank her for it and tell her I love her. I just hate that environmental politics and ethical quagmires can creep into even the most innocent of family traditions.

But the good news is that the Energizer batteries are still included.

Alabmazation of the United States...

2004-12-09T16:40:00.000-05:00

Remember Roy Moore, the nut-job judge who put a two-point six ton granite carving of the ten commandments in front of an Alabama courthouse? When told by a higher court that the carving would be a violation of a long tradition of seperating religion from state, he refused to remove the structure. He has since lost his job.

Well now the Bush Administration has adopted Moore’s position. This week, the White House urged the Supreme Court to allow ten commandment displays on government property. That means, an oversized ten commandments monument, may end up in front of your courthouse or other federal property.

From Bloomberg:

The Bush administration, saying that religion ``has played a defining role'' in the nation's history, urged the U.S. Supreme Court to permit Ten Commandments displays in courthouses.

The Justice Department today filed a brief supporting two Kentucky counties accused of violating the constitutional ban on government establishment of religion by posting framed copies of the Ten Commandments.

Regardless of being against everything America once stood for, at the very least right-wing Christian evngelicals can admit different denominations embrace different versions of the Ten Commandments. For that reason alone, this stuff should be thrown out and the Roy Moore's of the world should cease to have any influence in Washington.

In addition, another Alabama native is cozing up in the White House. Gerald Allen, a republican representative in the Alabama State Legislature, proposed a bill to ban novels with gay characters in all libraries, including university libraries. What does Allen want to do with such classics as Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Lynne Cheney’s lesbian novel, Sisters? He said he wants to “dig a big hole and dump them in.”

This wing-nut is meeting with President Bush on Monday – his fifth meeting with the leader of the free world. He is Bush's base. Last week, Allen introduced a bill that would ban the use of state funds to purchase any books or other materials that "promote homosexuality". Allen does not want taxpayers' money to support "positive depictions of homosexuality as an alternative lifestyle". That's why Tennessee Williams and Alice Walker have got to go.

Dig a hole and dump them in? How far behind are the pink triangles with these people in power?

Plane crashes in Ironic Metaphor Lake...

2004-12-08T13:44:00.000-05:00

This is one of the most satisfying news items I've read in some time. A cargo plane crashed in an Aventura lake in Florida on Saturday morning. The Miami Air Lease plane had the words "Eelect George W. Bush" running the length of the fuselage. And no that is not a typo. The plane's owners decided to make a statement by writing on the side of their plane. Little did they know that their poor spelling would result in that message being: "Bush supporters literally too stupid for words."

The plane had trouble with one of its two engines shortly after takeoff and crash landed a nearby lake surrounded by condos. No one was hurt, so I feel okay in laughing about it.

A lie a day keeps the doctor away...

2004-12-07T08:36:00.000-05:00

Bill Frist, doctor and Republican Senate Majority Leader, was on This Week this past Sunday. Host and former teen heart-throb George Stephanopoulos asked him about federally funded abstinence-only education programs -- the ones trying return the children of the nation to a time before wardrobe malfunctions and condoms when everything was repressed and holy. Which I guess would be back in the mid-80's, at te height of the AIDS catastrophe, for all the success these programs have. Stephanopoulos began the discussion with Frist by noting that a recent report on these abstinence-only programs found "11 of 13 of these programs are giving out false information."

STEPHANOPOULOS: There was a bit of an uproar in Washington this week about this issue of these abstinence programs that are funded by the Federal government, the funding has doubled over the last four years but there was a report by the minority staff at the House Government Affairs Committee that showed that 11 of 13 of these programs are giving out false information. I want to show some of the claims they identified in the curricula. One of them was, one of the programs taught that "The actual ability of condoms to prevent the transmission of HIV/AIDS, even if the product is intact, is not definitively known." Another, "The popular claim that condoms help prevent the spread of STDs is not supported by the data." A third suggested that tears and sweat could transmit HIV and AIDS. Now, you're a doctor. Do you believe that tears and sweat can transmit HIV?

FRIST: I don't know. I can tell you ...

STEPHANOPOULOS: You don't know?

FRIST: I can tell you things like, like ...

STEPHANOPOULOS: Well, wait, let me stop you, you don't know that, you believe that tears and sweat might be able to transmit AIDS?

FRIST: Yeah, no, I can tell you that HIV is not very transmissible as an element like, compared to smallpox, compared to the flu. It is not, but the first slide, because I think it's dangerous to show that and then sort of walk away.

...About condoms for example, we know there's about a 15 percent failure rate. You know, this is a deadly virus. And you know it is directly transmissible, with a relatively high degree of infectivity by sexual relations. If there's a 15 percent failure rate in condoms, itself --

STEPHANOPOULOS: But this is suggesting that they don't work even if the condom is intact.

FRIST: No, no. But let me just say, because the whole success, if you look in Africa today, where as you know, 28 million people are infected today, is on this A - B - C:
"Abstinence," which is sort of the initial thrust itself, which is the only way to prevent, only way to prevent --

STEPHANOPOULOS: Only sure-fire way.

FRIST: That's right. Only sure-fire. Very hard culturally, and [there are] lots of approaches. "Being Faithful." Again, one partner, and in certain cultures, that's very hard. And then third, "Condoms." If you take out, just condoms, and say that is the answer, with a 15 percent failure rate, with a highly infective virus through sexual relations --

STEPHANOPOULOS: But not "that's the answer," these [programs] are suggesting that they're really "never the answer."

FRIST: No, well that's, clearly -- I'm telling you that the program that the federal government supports, is officially, this A - B - C approach. We put $15 billion into this, what I would regard as one the great moral and public health tragedies of the last 100 years, fighting HIV/AIDS.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But do you think these abstinence programs should be reviewed, and that they should be required to be give out scientifically accurate information.

FRIST: Oh, I think of course they should be reviewed...

STEPHANOPOULOS: Let me just, I wanted to move to another subject, let me just clear this up, though. Do you or do you not believe that tears and sweat can transmit HIV?

FRIST: It would be very hard. It would be very hard for tears and sweat, I mean, you can get virus in tears and sweat but in terms of the degree of infecting somebody, it would be very hard.

This intereaction is filled with such crummy sceince I hardly know where to begin. How can a doctor say he doesn't know if tears and sweat can transmit HIV? And still keep his medical lisence? How can he get away with saying that the virus can be found in sweat, when there has never been a reported case of it? Just because he says it would be "very hard" to transmit HIV through tars and sweat, only after he was backed into a corner for his ignorance, that should not get im off the hook for his lies. It still gives the impression that it has happened. AND IT NEVER HAS.

He then goes on to assert that condoms should be de-emphasized because of their 15 percent failure rate. Did this man go to a crooked medical school in the Carribean Islands? Has he not read a single thing about condoms in the last 15 years? He makes it sound like the condoms themselves are defective 15% of the time. But that is the approximate rate of failure when human error is taken into account. When condoms are used properly, the failure rate drops to 2 or 3%. But that is why we need proper sex ed! So people have the correct information and know how to use condoms properly. Abstinence only leads to misinformation which leads to vulnerability to unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections.

Bill Frist's repeated lies and distortions about this medical issue should be enough to report him to the American Medical Association.

I'm standing up for a church? Now I've seen everything...

2004-12-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

CBS and NBC have refused to air an advertisement entitled God is Still Speaking, produced by the United Church of Christ. The ad begins outside of a church, where bouncers are stopping a certain "bad element" from entering: first two men holding hands, then a young black girl, a barely legal Hispanic guy, and a midget (I think). The nice white heterosexual couple and their presumably slutty daughters get passed just fine, though. Then the words appear: "Jesus didn't turned people away. Neither do we." Fade to second scene, which shows people of all sorts smiling on the steps of the church. Smiling children, minorities, an elderly couple, and (gasp) two women standing next to each other, one with her hand on the other's shoulder. No matter who you are or where you are on life's journey, you are welcome here, the narrator tells us.

This is the sort of innocuous commercial I probably would not even have noticed (when was the last time I watched anything on CBS, anyway?). But apparently the message of inclusion is too controversial for the networks. CBS spelled out why they have refused to air this ad in their rejection notice:

Because this commercial touches on the exclusion of gay couples and other minority groups by other individuals and organizations, and the fact the Executive Branch has recently proposed a Constitutional Amendment to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, this spot is unacceptable for broadcast on the [CBS and UPN] networks.

I think CBS needs to do some serious therapy work. Obviously they are obsessed and terrified with gay marriage. Because nowhere in the ad does it say one thing about gay marriage. It just implies that if you are gay, or black, or Asian, or (possibly worst of all) elderly, you'll be welcome at this particular church, even if you haven't been at others. Still, even that's enough for CBS to read-between-the-lines and consider it contrary to the aims of the White House--and that, in turn, is enough for CBS to refuse to air the ad at all.

How pathetic is it that not being bigoted is now considered the "controversial" side of the debate? I really don't care if ads agree with this president's religious "values" or not. That shouldn't be a deciding factor for anyone. This isn't about gay marriage, or constitutional amendments. This is about a Church that welcomes all comers. That's the "controversial" part of the ad. And apparently, CBS thinks that merely not being bigoted is too controversial a stance to take given the current climate at the White House.

Just like Jimmy Olsen: The Sequel...

2004-12-02T17:41:00.000-05:00

I had my second photo credit in The New York Times on Thanksgiving Day.

This picture is from our new show at The Pearl Theatre Company, Gogol's Marriage. It's a quirky little comedy about a young bachelorette in Russia. She is wooed by four suitors, each more idiosyncratic than the next. The last bachelor standing "celebrates" the impending nuptials in a most surprising way, but I won't spoil the fun.

The fun thing about this photo credit? I'm actually in the picture. No, I'm neither of those pretty-looking people in the forefront. But if you look very closely in the mirror behind them, you can see my reflection taking the picture. That's right, baby; my picture is in The Times. I'm moving up in the world.

No condoms till marriage...

2004-12-02T09:15:00.000-05:00

The first of December each year is World AIDS Day, a day when people around the world unite to demonstrate their commitment to fighting HIV/AIDS. President Bush, in his proclamation of World AIDS Day, used the announcement to brag about his "compassionate conservative commitment" to AIDS.

This commitment was first made last February by President George Bush to spend 15 billion dollars over five years fighting the AIDS epidemic in more than 100 countries around the world. Sounds great right?

But keep in mind that a pillar of Bush's AIDS plan both at home and abroad is ABSTINENCE EDUCATION. Which is all well and good, fine, tell people not to have sex and see how well that goes. It certainly worked for the War on Drugs. Thanks to Nancy Reagan, there is no longer a drug problem in this country. Oh, wait no, that must have been her husband's dementia talking.

The problem is that there's no evidence at all that abstinence-education works to prevent pregnancy, STDs, or AIDS. In fact, a study of thousands of teenagers who had made chastity pledges found that they were just as likely to get STDs as their non-pledging pals.

Bush's faith-based just-say-no AIDS plan is a joke, but a dangerous joke; the administration is doing all it can to sabotage the message that people should use condoms when they have sex. Needless restrictions on condoms and HIV/AIDS information are undermining the global fight against the epidemic. Condoms remain the single most effective device against sexually transmitted HIV, yet they face government-imposed constraints in numerous countries across the globe, and much of America's so-called "aid" refuses to provide or even talk about condoms thanks to this administration. They are undermining real HIV prevention efforts at home and around the world.

But, faith-based abstinence educators still got a whopping one hundred million bucks in the latest spending bill.

Happy World AIDS Day.

No comment on gay rights...

2004-11-29T16:58:00.001-05:00

Today the U.S. Supreme Court declined to hear arguments over a challenge to the year-old Massachusetts Supreme Court decision that legalized gay marriage in that state.

The Supreme Court on Monday sidestepped a dispute over gay marriages, rejecting a challenge to the nation's only law sanctioning such unions.

Justices had been asked by conservative groups to overturn the year-old decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court legalizing gay marriage. They declined, without comment.

Conservative groups who brought the lawsuit tried to have the highest federal court in the land on the grounds that this one state's marital law violates the guarantee of a republican form of government. Gays are destroying our democracy, I guess.
Their attorney stated that the federal Constitution should "protect the citizens of Massachusetts from their own state supreme court's usurpation of power." Isn't it great when the crazy right-wing nutcases in the red-states, who spent the entire last election hollering about how the blue states are filled with elitist liberals and should be ignored a all costs, take such an active and helpful role in Massachusetts state law? They are only trying to protect the will of the people from the tyranny of a homo-loving judiciary!

The city attorney from Boston had told justices in court papers that the people who filed the suit have not shown they suffered an injury and could not bring a challenge to the Supreme Court. "Deeply felt interest in the outcome of a case does not constitute an actual injury," she said.

Nor does your hate of the equal rights for homosexual Americans.

Thanks be to George...

2004-11-26T15:43:00.000-05:00

Over Thanksgiving weekend, take the time to remind yourself of all of the things you have to be thankful for this year. Perhaps your Republican family members and you can find common ground with a short list of the wonderful things America has given us and can't take away.

Until, of course, the right-wing agenda gets underway in a few short months.

I am thankful the emotional rollercoaster that is sure to be the next election is just under 4 years away. Hopefully some of us will have enough time to heal by then.

I am thankful Bush promises to make the tax code simpler. Finally we will have a definitive, easy-to-understand system of how the wealthy screw everyone.

I am thankful that the intelligence community is getting a makeover and America will no longer be embarrassed in the eyes of the global community. With the CIA becoming more partisan, there won't be any intelligence that makes us look bad. Or makes us look honest either, I suppose.

I am thankful that doctors can now make decisions based on their conscious. It was terrible before when they were forced to make decisions based on science and fact and the choices of their patients.

I am thankful that this past election was not rife with as many problems as most Americans feared. Isn't it great to learn that 51 % of the country really did vote against their self-interest or the interest of their fellow citizens?

All sarcasm aside, though, I am thankful for stuffing.

Tom DeLay or a ham sandwich. Who would you vote for...

2004-11-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

So the unscrupulous House Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay is about to be indicted for campaign finance violations in Texas. This is the same DeLay who earlier this year orchestrated the completely partisan and unjustified redistricting effort in Texas that gained 5 seats in the House for the GOP and caused Texas Democrats to flee the state in protest. He's a terrible man who holds an awful lot of cards in Congress right now. He's an extremist who happens to be the leader of their party.

The House of Reps, though have a rule that any member o its leadership who is indicted must immediately step down. While DeLay has not been indicted just yet, it is coming down the line very soon. So what do the power-hungry fanatics that constitute the Republican leadership decide to do in the meantime? Why, change the rules of course!

Last week, DeLay's allies made a new rule enabling GOP steering committee to first review any indictment to decide whether it is politically motivated and has merit. Hmmm. I wonder if when asked if they think their boss who controls all the strings should be removed from his position of power, they will say no. It's awfully convenient to have the rules suddenly changed in your favor just moments before your post is in jeopardy. But as Ronnie Earle, the district attorney of Texas who is charging DeLay, wrote in today's New York Times, "there is no limit to what you can do if you have the power to change the rules."

In defense of this indefensible power play (when has that ever stopped Republicans?), Congress members are calling this change in the rules an effort to "raise the standard" and "protect the institution" from a ham sandwich!

"You have to look at protecting the institution," Alabama Rep. Mike Rogers told local paper the Anniston Star late last week. "I'm an attorney, and any attorney knows you can get an indictment with a ham sandwich. We’re trying to raise the standard, to make it so that you don't allow what is purely a political indictment to make someone step aside from a leadership role."

Idiots! The line isn't that you get an indictment by using a ham sandwich. It's that you "could get a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. The ham sandwich is no friend to a prosecutor. They are mortal enemies. All the prosecution has ever wanted to do is to send that dastardly sandwich to the big house. Prosecutors are notorious for their acid reflux disease.

I can't tell which is worse - devious political shenanigans that favor the corrupt, or the incorrect use of an adage.

Excuse me Congress, I'd like to report a suspicious charge on my tax bill...

2004-11-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

All right this is an easy one. The DNC should be all over this like Gilligan on the Skipper.

From Reuters

The U.S. Congress on Saturday passed a $388 billion package financing government programs in this fiscal year after days of tough talks, but a last minute snag means it may not be sent to President Bush for signing into law for several days.

The Senate voted 65-30 for the legislation late on Saturday that sets aside funds for a range of priorities including a presidential yacht, foreign aid and energy. It is one of the final pieces of work for the 108th Congress and they may return to finish a spy agency overhaul before the end of the year.

A presidential yacht! The Repulicans cut financing for cruicial education, environment, and health programs while providing funds for the president to sail leisurely of off the coast of Kennebunkport. There is not reason why the Dems can't shout this to every sharp corner of every last red state. Docotrs can now refuse to treat patients without penalty, the global fight against AIDS will once again not be adequetely funded, nuclear waste will be dumped into the mountains of Nevada, and Pell grants will be cut.

And the president just bought himself a yacht and sent us the bill.

Don't look now, but your hubris is showing...

2004-11-20T01:27:00.000-05:00

The opening salvo for the fate of Women's Rights was launched yesterday when Congress added a clause into a much-needed spending bill that would permit health car providers from denying services to patients, particularly those who are anti-Choice.

House and Senate negotiators have tucked a potentially far-reaching anti-abortion provision into a $388 billion must-pass spending bill, complicating plans for Congress to wrap up its business and adjourn for the year.

The provision may be an early indication of the growing political muscle of social conservatives who provided crucial support for Republican candidates, including President Bush, in the election.

House officials said Saturday morning that the final details of the spending measure were worked out before midnight and that the bill was filed for the House vote on Saturday.

The abortion language would bar federal, state and local agencies from withholding taxpayer money from health care providers that refuse to provide or pay for abortions or refuse to offer abortion counseling or referrals. Current federal law, aimed at protecting Roman Catholic doctors, provides such "conscience protection'' to doctors who do not want to undergo abortion training. The new language would expand that protection to all health care providers, including hospitals, doctors, clinics and insurers.

This can have extremely far-reaching implications. Doctors take an oath to provide health care to their patients, not to pick and choose when and where or to whom those services are provided.

Contact your Congresspeople and media outlets and tell them that American's are in favor of a women's right to choose. They no that already. It's wy they introduce the bill on Friday and then vote on it on Saturday. No debate this, especially in the national media. We can't lose any ground, no matter how small it may seem, without putting up a hell of a fight.

The up-side of getting down to this business so soon after their rise to power is we will be able to see who the "moderate" republicans are exactly and how effective they are in blocking the extremism of the majority of their party.

Narrowly escaping my civic duty...

2004-11-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

Today I was scheduled for jury duty at the Superior Court in Brooklyn Heights. Like all people called for jury duty, I had a million other things to do and this was an inconveinant time at work. It's always an inconveniant time at work though, so I figured I should go.

Less than two years ago, I've served jury duty in New Jersey, back when my permanent residence was still my parent's house. (In fact I still get informtion about voting in New Jersey sent to their house though I vote in New York. I've toyed with the idea of voting twice thanks to the conveiniance of the smelly old PATH system.) It was the summer of 2003 when I spent the day sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a hot, dark room reading trashy magazines. Not unlike my everyday life, but this place had no Diet Coke, only terrible coffee with sugar. No Equal! Not even Sweet'n Low!

As I've blogged before, it's as if civics is my religion. I find nothing more thrilling than the chance to be a part of the process of government. But even I was dreading the long days of sitting and waiting. And there is always the fear of being sequestered!

So I called to explain how I've been to jury duty in Jersey in 2003, but the lady on the phone told me that it didn't matter a lick to the state of New York. I like here now and I have a committment to the people of this state. So I showed up at 8:45 this morning and sat in an even more uncomfortable chair in a hotter, darker room devoid of any coffee at all. We had to watch a video hosted by Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes and Diane Sawyer of ABC's Primetime. In the movie it was explained to us how in olden times, people used to be bound and gagged and thrown into a river to determine their guilt or innocence, so we should be grateful and all stop complaining about the lack of sugar substitiute.

On the off chance that the ornery woman on the phone was wrong, I explained my New Jersey service. A very polite young woman told me I shouldn't be here. She said the crazy phone lady was either ignorant or lazy, but probably both. I had only to send proof of my service and I was free to go. She told me to pack up and leave, though she didn't give me the complimentary copy of The Daily News.

I feel slightly guilty for not staying to serve, and if I could be guarenteed I would be on a jury for days and not have to sit around and wait, then I may have stayed to enjoy. I'm sure it would be just like Law and Order, right down to the wisecracks and the overbearing attorneys.

The Secretary of Selling-Out gets out...

2004-11-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

As expected, Powell resigned today and will leave as a replacement is chosen.

Secretary of State Colin L. Powell said today that he would resign as soon as a successor was chosen, the result of what he described as a longstanding agreement with President Bush that he would serve only four years as the nation's chief diplomat.

According to reports of the Washington buzz, it is highly likely that current National Secretary Advisor Condoleezza Rice will be Powell's successor. While Powell has known as a reasonable voice in an otherwise radical administration, whose ideas of loyalty to the president win out every time to his ideals and instincts, Rice's only contribution is her unquestionable loyalty coupled with her unquestionable incompetence.

People give Powell a pass, knowing that he disagrees with the way this war has been justified and waged to this point. The only problem is that this debate happens behind closed doors. Staying on message and supporting your boss is respectable asset to a point, but going to bat for a lie, the way he has done so often in the last four years, has tarnished his reputation. He will always be remembered as the man who went to the U.N. and lied to the world about our intelligence and our threats and cost over a thousand U.S. troops their lives.

When you align yourself so closely with war criminals and crooks, you are complicit in their crimes. Powell's resignation of his position should have happened two years ago before the resignation of his integrity and our respect.

Binging on lies, purging all debate...

2004-11-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

In a rare moment of horrifying honesty, the president is staying true to his word. Shortly after the election, in an even more rare moment of press conferencing, Bush told reporters that he intends to "reach out to all who shres my goals."

Accroding to today's Newsday, the White House has ordered the new CIA chief Peter Goss to "purge" the agency of people who disagree or have been perceived as disloyal.

The White House has ordered the new CIA director, Porter Goss, to purge the agency of officers believed to have been disloyal to President George W. Bush or of leaking damaging information to the media about the conduct of the Iraq war and the hunt for Osama bin Laden, according to knowledgeable sources.

"The agency is being purged on instructions from the White House," said a former senior CIA official who maintains close ties to both the agency and to the White House. "Goss was given instructions ... to get rid of those soft leakers and liberal Democrats. The CIA is looked on by the White House as a hotbed of liberals and people who have been obstructing the president's agenda."

How about purging those at the agency who failed us all so miserablely by allowing faulty intelligence to be used to decieve the country into war? Or we could purge the agency of its complete subordination to a criminal administration. I can think of a lot of purging that can be done around Washington, but it certainly doesn't include purging all those who disagree with this president.

Wait, those aren't real navy men?...

2004-11-12T17:04:00.000-05:00

Even Peru is now light-years ahead of the United States military policies, according to the AP.

Peru's constitutional court has granted gays in the military the freedom to have sex, declaring that a rule which had deemed such relations illegal was unconstitutional.

The army's rule had stipulated that military personnel could not engage in sexual relations with persons of the same sex either within or outside their barracks.

But constitutional court official Samuel Abad dubbed that rule "completely discriminatory."

"Completely discriminatory." That about sums it up. Maybe it's about time the U.S. look into their completely discriminatory practices, if Peru is leading the way. I mean they're all having sex in the barracks anyway. And I have all the video footage to prove it. Might as well makes it legal.

Shady Gonzalez...

2004-11-11T14:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I blogged about the Ashcroft's resignation and his official declaration of the end of all crime and terror in the United States. It seems that the administration is backpedalling on this success in the war on terror by installing yet another Attorney General. Though without any crime or terror I can't imagine there is all that much for the person to do. Republicans and their bloated government, I guess.

Yesterday Bush nominated long-time friend and crony Alberto Gonzales to fill John Ashcrofts dance-less shoes as Attorney General. Gonzales is commonly known as The Torture Guy, the lawyer who called the Geneva Conventions quaint, cooked up excuses for the US to get away with torturing prisoners, and designed the unconstitutional military tribunal system for Gitmo. Read a Gonzales-penned torture memo here where he makes up as many excuses possible to allow Bush to torture people as he sees fit.

Aside from his horrid behavior on the issue of torture (how can we live in a country where torture is an issue?!?!?), there are plenty of other reasons why this man should never be confirmed, though he most certainly will.

Gonzalez has never tried a case ever either civil or criminal but that didnt stop Bush from appointing him to the Texas Supreme Court after he spent 13 years at Enrons law firm in Texas.

Gonzalez has never published anything in a legal journal ever.

Gonzalez is the lawyer that kept Cheneys Energy Task Force secret.

Gonzalez has headed up the judicial selection committee for Bush, and is responsible for the neanderthals that Bush has appointed to federal judgeships.

Despite all of these reasons, Gonzalez will most likely get confirmed rather easily. But I hope he will at least be questioned about these issues by the Senate Democrats. This may very well be our first fight in Congress. We should start getting aggressive now. No reason to wait, we've nothing to lose.

Mission accomplished?...

2004-11-10T07:33:00.000-05:00

Attorney General John Ashcroft and Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned Tuesday. You would think that it would be a moment of celebration for Americans everywhere that this crazy nutcase Jesus-freak won't be rounding up your Grandmother anymore for questioning. But Ashcroft was never all that effective at getting his terribly xenophobic (not to mention misogynistic) agenda accomplished. Partly becasue he was a lightning rod for liberal ire and everyone was watching, partly becasue he's incompetent. Now they might actually get someone in this position who is effective at ignoring the Constiitution and stripping all non-evengelical people of their civil liberties.

According to the AP wire story, here's why Ashcroft decided to leave:

'The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved,' Ashcroft wrote in a five-page, handwritten letter to Bush.

Have these guys learned nothing from the predsident's dress-up play-date with the Air Force? Talk about emboldening the enemy!

One week ago Cheney was telling people that we were all going to die in a brilliant nuclear explosion and now there is no crime or terrorism or nightmares or unhapiness anywhere in America. What dfference an election makes!

Next they'll be taking pre-emptive action against Krypton...

2004-11-08T15:44:00.000-05:00

In these difficult times, when the stress and depression begin to set in, my favorite distraction to ward off the real-world is to curl up with nice comic book.

Ah, Superman! Your patriotism is never questioned and your inter-species marriage to Lois Lane was in no way preceded by the legitimizing of gay unions.

And Wonder Woman! Your position as Ambassador to the United Nations for your native island of Themyscria, home of the mythic Amazons, is seen as a respectable asset and testament to your multi-lateral approach to world peace!

And of course, Batman! Your seemingly obsessive habit of conscripting underage boys and girls into your army of justice as your sidekicks...

Well that's honestly a little weird. But your stance on gun control and respect for life! That's admirable.

These are the characters I visit when the prospect of an endless war on terrorists of our own narrow-minded creation threaten to consume me. But now, even that has been infiltrated by neo-cons!

Marvel Comics' is working on a comic called Combat Zone: True Tales from GI's in Iraq. I find nothing offensive about the comic from its title. In fact, it strikes me as something that can be very powerful if done correctly. Comics are a versatile medium and I applaud the attempt at branching out in new directions for the medium. It doesn't sound like my cup of tea exactly, but I get plenty of war stories from the front page of the paper each day.

However, it was recently reported that this book has been in production at Marvel for a while, because a number of artists have been approached, started on the book, and then left when it's true nature was revealed. A number of Marvel's previous titles involving war and terrorism have tried to explore issues from different perspectives, according to many sources this is not the case here. America is the One True Hope, all who oppose her or disagree with her current thinking are evil scum, and the world would be better off without them. And thank the Lord we have these plucky brave soldiers to do her bidding.

Why is this comic book becoming some sort of one-sided, lying drivel? Could have to do with Karl Zinsmeister, credited as the "embedded correspondent" writing the book?

Zinsmeister is editor-in-chief of the American Enterprise Magazine, the in-house magazine of "The American Enterprise Institute" (AEI). The AEI is a neo-conservative think tank, with strong ties to the oil industry and the White House, and one of the most important architects of President Bush's current foreign policy. Famous members include Richard Perle, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, ExxonMobile's CEO Lee Raymond and the Vice-President's wife Lynne Cheney.

Also, the AEI gave office space to the "Project for a New American Century," an even more conservative think tank with Vice President Dick Cheney and Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz on it's roster. Who better to write a touching, poignant and truthful version of the current state of affairs in Iraq than someone who works for the guys who planned it?

These neo-con freaks are everywhere these days. Stay out of my funny books!

We're living in a purple country...

2004-11-05T20:07:00.001-05:00

From Boing Boing.

Whenever we find ourselves getting too hateful of everyone in the red states, remember the very slim margins that Republicans won those states. We have a passionate, informed citizenry all across this country.

Certainly there was no mandate to bully the press...

2004-11-04T15:21:00.000-05:00

Take a look at the new arrogance of our President at today's press conference:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Now that I've got the will of the people at my back, I'm going to start enforcing the one-question rule. That was three questions.

Oh, the will of the people! That must have been what that bulge was in the first debate! He goes on:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Again, he violated the one-question rule right off the bat. Obviously you didn't listen to the will of the people.

1% more than 50% is not an expression of "the will of the people," but a bare, thin majority. There is no mandate. There is no "will of the people" because half of those people wouldn't trust to be left alone with their purse (or man-bag), let alone their will. All you have is a bunch of people praying for you. But those prayers aren't going to get you out of Iraq or this fiscal crisis or this crappy economy. You have the support of the part of the country you were able to lie toenough to convince them. And this hubris can only last so long before the fall.

And don't think we aren't watching.

Serving the reality-based community for the next four years...

2004-11-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

Someone commented below that the country "has already gone to hell, and it is not worth a single breath of ours to try and fix it." And it's not just people reading this blog. Lefties everywhere seem to be bashing America and each other, as well as Ohio and "middle Americans." I understand that this sentiment stems from rage and disappointment and sadness. I am right there with you on certain levels.

People are talking about abandoning the Democrats along with the country. That's not productive. We have to keep sight of the reason why we put so much of ourselves into this election. Bad leaders were doing terrible things to our country and pretending it was best for us. Power-hungry bigots and corporate shills were bankrupting our future for short-term profits and telling us we should be too scared of the boogey man to care. They governed on fear and campaigned on fear and told us things were getting better, as long as we cower under our desks. And it worked on just a few too many people this time.

But this is just one battle in the fight. We need to learn from our failures and build on them. These people out-maneuvered us this time. But it's only the end if we let it be the end.

I got a very inspirational email from Howard Dean today. He talked about the small victories we won't be hearing about.

Montana, one of the reddest states, has a new Democratic governor.

First-time candidates for state legislatures from Hawaii to Connecticut beat incumbent Republicans.

And a record number of us voted to change course -- more Americans voted against George Bush than any sitting president in history.

Dean also went on to quote Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Too many things matter to me about this place to just give up because I'm feeling down.

Deep breaths...

2004-11-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

What a difference a day makes.

Let's stay patient and see what happens in Ohio. But regardless of the presidential race, it looks like Democrats lost seats in the Senate and the House.

Here's the plan: Wait for the final results. If all goes as it seems headed, continue to mope the rest of the day. Okay, maybe tomorrow as well. But then back to work. There is still a great big country out there to fight for and we can't sit back and let it go to hell just because people in those red states don't know what is good for them.

Merry Election Day...

2004-11-02T15:46:00.000-05:00

It's finally here. What we've all been waiting for hopeful anxiety for months (or if you are crazy like me the last 3 years). Election Day has finally arrived and I couldn't be happier.

Everyone I know, all very rational, realistic people, have been telling me they are nervous and worried about the election. Most people seem to think there is a good chance of Bush narrowly pulling out the victor or getting the whole thing tied up again in courts for another month. These are all very well-placed concerns.

Maybe I'm crazy though because I can't seem to come down from this awesome high. The country gets to vote today, and regardless of the result, millions of people will stand up and be heard. And it looks like it will be record numbers of citizens speaking their minds today.

I got up bright and early. I actually woke up at 5AM and could not get back to sleep for a while because of the excitement. It felt like Christmas morning. Stephen and I got ready together to go to the polls. I put on a fancy dress shirt and my blazer. My boyfriend thinks I'm a geek, but I wanted to dress up for democracy.

We left the house and went to get a cup of coffee before heading to the voting booth located exactly 45 second from our doorstep. I know it's corny, but I think voting with your boyfriend is one of the most romantic things you can do together. The little old ladies working the polls were in great spirits. We waited on a line for about 40 minutes, partially due to the cute ladies constantly repositioning their table layout and moving the lines around. There were people here from all walks of life, all races, all age groups. I know it is not half of what people will be going through in PA or OH or FL today, but standing in line, even for a brief wait, gave me a sense of importance I was afraid I might miss out on. It was the most legitimate wait I have ever endured and I smiled the whole time.

On my way into work, I purchased victory donuts for everyone who voted (or at least promised to vote). Since I work with only 7 other well-educated, politically savvy people in a non-profit organization, I did not have to exclude anyone from the donut eating bonanza.

For lunch I had a burger with American cheese and Heinz ketchup. Can't get much more American than that. It tasted of democracy. Yum.

I'm looking forward to staying up all night screaming at Tim Russett and that obnoxious white board of his he loves to trout out as if he alone understands the electoral college and only through his unreadable sketchy scrawl will we understand the outcome he has uniquely divined for the nation. I can't wait to glare at Bill Schneider when he talks about how cell phones don't affect polls because he's still living in 1965. I will rejoice when Bush is forced to give his concession speech and try to put a good face on this long national nightmare.

It ends tonight. And perhaps my hope of a final outcome tonight is naive. But I just can't sit still. It's all on the line and I've never been more pumped. Civics is my religion. And it's Election Day is my Christmas.

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE!

My prediction...

2004-11-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

As you may know, I've been following the polls for the last 6 months pretty obsessively. It was given me a lot of terrible stomach pains and gray hairs. It's also given my false hope from time to time. But in the final 2 weeks, the polls have all suggested Kerry has more than a good chance to take this election. Given that Bush's support in national polls is stuck at 48% (a very bad sign for an incumbant who needs to be at or above 50% to win) and that the number of undecideds in such a close, heated race historically break in favor of the challenger and that Kerry is showing a 5% lead in the key battleground states, I am cautiously optimistic.

All that said i want to go on record with my prediction just for fun. Kerry is going to win the election in the electoral college 298 to 240 (give or take a few).

I'm all giddy. I can't wait for tomorrow.

Get out and vote.

The Bride of Boogedy goes too far...

2004-10-31T22:20:00.000-05:00

Lynne Cheney has got to be one of the biggest hypocrites in Washington right now. This is the woman who feigned outrage when Kerry mentioned her daughter, Mary, was an out and proud lesbian and put her sexuality in a positive and accepting light. For this she called Kerry "a bad man" on the basis that her family should be off-limits. Mary Cheney, an out lesbian who has made money primarily because she's an out lesbian and who is a paid employee of the Bush campaign, isoff limits to political discussion, according to Lynne. I have serious problems with that, obviously.

However, Lynne Cheney feels it is in good taste to use her 7 year old granddaughter as a walking negative political ad to attack Kerry.

At a campaign rally Sunday, Elizabeth, 7, wore a scary Halloween costume as the Grim Reaper. To howls of laughter, Lynne Cheney introduced Elizabeth as "John Kerry's health plan," highlighting one of the many contentious issues of the campaign.

Kerry wants to expand the insurance system for federal employees to private citizens through tax credits and subsidies, an approach the Bush campaign condemns as government health care.

So this poor little girl not only has to come to terms with the fact that her grandfather is the Boogedy Man, but when she asked to be Princess Jasmine or Eliza Doolittle (ok, maybe that was just me) for Halloween, she was told "no, you'll fall in line like everyone else in this party, little lady; now get in the scary Grim Reaper get-up."

Maybe she was dressing as the Cold Ever-Present Hand of Death Stealthily Stalking her Grandfather.

I doubt it, though. This was a deliberate act of nasty politiking using an innocent seven year old.

These people have no shame.

Kids wear the darndest things...

2004-10-29T13:40:00.000-04:00

I not very big into Halloween, but there is just no way one can deny children the right to look oh so cute in costumes. I was sent this funny site by Dan Savage filled with kids who probably don't realize what exactly it is they are wearing or what it means. I don't really agree with dressing your children up in costumes they can't comprehend or using your kids for political purposes. But man, are they cute.!

Personally, I can't wait to have children and dress them up as fuzzy animals.

Could it be the protest song of a new generation...

2004-10-26T20:07:00.000-04:00

I just watched Eminem's new video Mosh. A must see.

I've never been much of a fan, but this is one time I can relate. You have to watch, if for nothing else than it's visual appeal. But most importantly, It's really empowering.

And just when the song gets you to the point where you are about to violently burst, they show you where to direct your anger.

No civil liberty left inviolated...

2004-10-26T17:04:00.000-04:00

Kos of dailykos.com fame just posted this email sent from Wisconsin.

A friend with a child in the Richland County,WI high school where George Bush appears today reports the following. Students were told they could not wear any pro-Kerry clothing or buttons or protest in any manner, at the risk of expulsion. After a parent inquired, an alternative activity will be provided, probably a movie being shown in an auditorium.

It's depraved enough to force people who decide to come to your rally from wearing anything anti-Bush, or even something perceived as anti-Bush. People have been arrested for their clothing at these events. But to take over a school for a day and then dictate what the children can and can not do or say or wear or think is the lowest this campaign has sunk to ensure nothing embarrassing ends up on the news. This is what those kids are learning about democracy. When someone has enough power they can tell you what to do, say, or even wear. That's the "education president" for you.

One more week of this shit.

How many times can I mention how unattractive she is in this post...

2004-10-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

Could Ashlee have been lying to us all this time?

Watching Saturday Night Live this past weekend with musical guest Ashlee Simpson, my boyfriend and I speculated on how talented she is in relation to her older sister, Jessica. We determined that while we couldn't think of a single song that Jessica sang (we are very old and out of touch, it would seem), Ashlee seemed more talented, if much less pretty. That was our professional bitchy-gay opinion during her first performance of the night, Pieces of Me. When she came on for her second performance, Ashlee's voice started singing Pieces of Me over the loudspeaker, while the band started playing a different song, and the real Ashlee looked terrified and confused and started hopping around looking like an idiot before slinking off-stage. NBC quickly cut to a commercial while her singer-less band continued to play.

Being a moron, I didn't realize what happened. At the very end of the show, she appeared with guest host Jude Law (and got to actually hug him lots! SWOON!) to lie to the public.

From the AP story:

"What can I say?" guest host Jude Law said with Simpson standing next to him at the end of the show. "Live TV."

"Exactly," Simpson said. "I feel so bad. My band started playing the wrong song. I didn't know what to do so I thought I'd do a hoe-down."

Her record company, Geffen Records, said there was a computer glitch. Instead of some pretaped electronic percussion, the recording of "Pieces of Me" started mistakenly performing, the record company said in a statement.

Sorry, Ashlee but the track that played your fake voice wasn't a recording of your song. It was a voice track to fake your singing!

I feel like we need to ask an important question. Why is SNL assisting artists in their lies by allowing them to lip-synch on their stages? They are supposed to be a performance venue, if albeit an irrelevant one. They should at least require their crappy guests to perform. God knows she isn't getting paid for her looks.

I feel so betrayed. How can the ugly sister of one of America's favorite Newlyweds treat us this way? And that "oops, sorry everyone, I may be a liar, but I'm such a darn cute one" shtick may have worked for you during our much beloved MTV reality show, The Ashlee Simpson Show, but back then you were only a passing fad who could sing. Now we know the truth. And it isn't pretty!

Up in the air?...

2004-10-24T16:38:00.000-04:00

In what can only be described as the safest interview he is likely to ever do on television, Bush told Hannity and Colmes that our safety was "up in the air." Well with him in the White House on January 21st, he may have finally gotten something right in this election.

Bush also went on to say that there was no evidence of a pre-election terrorist plot in the United States, but that he feels you should all still be very scared of one anyway.

"We do believe that they have -- because of what happened in Madrid -- that they do think about whether or not they can try to disrupt our elections," Bush said.

He said there was "nothing specific" pointing to a pre-election attack but rather "a kind of general intent."

That's the strategy for the final weeks of Bush's campaign: be afraid of nothing specificlly, and therefore, everything generally.

Absolutely free and I still wanted some money back...

2004-10-23T10:32:00.000-04:00

We got some free tickets to Brooklyn The Musical this past week. I've wanted to see the show for some time now and I went in ready to love it. I tried to like it. I really, really tried.

Everything in this show is recycled. And that is both the show's major disaster and single notable element. The recycling starts as soon as you enter the theater and realize that the set is a dumbed-down version of Rent's stage, complete with onstage trash and scaffolding. As the cast appears in their dirty trash-picked attire, we recognize that these kids are homeless and downtrodden, but as the cringe-worthy first number begins, we recognize that these kids come with a message of hope and love. And cliche.

We are supposed to be transported to the magically dirty borough of Brooklyn, specifically under the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead it feels like you've been transported to the magically long-running Rent's Nederlander Theater, specifically four years ago when that show's cast was still energetic yet crappy. The show tries to depict Brooklyn as a place filled with grime and streetsingers, but falls very short of capturing anything of substance that wasn't left over from Jonathan Larson's East Village. Really it could be any slum in the universe and does nothing to capture Brooklyn.

The show goes to great lengths, as the narrator constantly reminds, to explain that they are trying to tell an urban fairy tale. What that fairy tale is about is impossible to say because there is no focus. It starts with a recycled Miss Saigon plot, with two lovers being torn apart by war leaving a child in their wake. To be more exact, its the first draft of Miss Saigon that someone pulled out of the trash.

Narrated by a "Streetsinger" (Cleavant Derricks, Tony winner for Dreamgirls), the musical tells the rags-to-riches story of the title character, Brooklyn (Eden Espinosa), a young woman living in Paris whose parents are Taylor (Kevin Anderson), a troubled, drug-addicted Vietnam veteran, and Faith (Karen Olivo), a dancer. Orphaned at a young age by her mother's untimely death and her brokenhearted father's abandonment, Brooklyn travels to America in search of both a pop music career and her father. There she comes into conflict with the sassy Paradice (Ramona Keller), who doesn't exactly welcome the competition.

My recap does the show way too much justice though, as it implies the plot is not a jumbled mess. At first you ask yourself, "is this show about unrequited love, or family, or happy endings, or an American Idol sing-off?" By the sixth terrible song, the question becomes, "who cares?" For a group of down-on-their-luck homeless, they are awfully perky. If the program insists the time is the present, and the father fought in Vietnam (which leads to one of the most absurdly cliched and badly done sequences on Broadway), how is the daughter only 20? I would suggest you do the math, but even that would be too much effort . The entire show asks nothing of the audience. No need to think here. Just believe in miracles. Or something.

Every song seems to have been written by someone who grew up not on musicals, but on American Idol. The overly-emotive and embarrassingly corny lines are unreal. We learn that "life is like a shooting star," that "when you change someone's life, you change your own," and that, yes, "the world's a stage and we are the players." Not surprisingly, Brooklyn insists "I believe in miracles" and "love will conquer all." Groundbreaking! GAG! To be fair though, the two main divas can sing and they belt the hell out of this drivel at every turn.

There isn't any element of originality or truth to be found here. Especially if you are looking for the real Brooklyn character. Rather than having any poignancy or power to the music, practically every song is a screamer, as if any one of them could be the big finale. I found myself praying that were true. "Maybe this is the last one. Okay how about this one, please?"

The one success that Brooklyn can tout is the endlessly inventive costumes by Tobin Ost. Much like the uninspired set, the costumes are made by recycling garbage and city detritus into clothes and accessories. Tube socks become elbow-length gloves. Doritios bags become a stylish headdress. Bubblewrap becomes an elegant stole. And police tape and garbage bags become a surprisingly sexy skin-tight evening dress. The designs are inspired, but when you leave a musical humming the costumes, you know the show is a disaster.

An ill-conceived show, recycled from past shows and bad pop songs is embarrassing enough to have on Broadway. As the only new musical till next year, Brooklyn The Musical will not do. When one produces a show this terrible the least they could do is provide an intermission to allow the audience to leave during in protest. Being denied an indignant early exit just proves what little respect the show's producers have for a Broadway audience.

One of these things is not like the other...

2004-10-21T14:51:00.000-04:00

Let's compare and contrast headlines..

From the AP:

AP Poll: Bush, Kerry in Dead Heat

In the AP-Ipsos Public Affairs poll, the Democratic ticket of Kerry and Sen. John Edwards got support from 49 percent of those who said they were likely to vote, and the Republican team of Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney got 46 percent, within the poll's margin of error of plus or minus 3 percentage points.

From Reuters:

Reuters Poll: Bush Grabs One-Point Lead on Kerry

President Bush opened a slight one-point lead on Democratic rival John Kerry in a tight race for the White House, according to a Reuters/Zogby poll released on Thursday.

Someone explain to me how a three-point lead in Kerry's favor is a "dead heat," while a one-point Bush lead is a "slight lead." This is what I mean when I talk about a bias in the media. There is no objective standard in these stories, they just spin it however they feel might be more compelling. Perhaps they are trying to make Kerry out to be the underdog so when he wins they will have every opportunity to make Red Sox analogies.

Because after all, frivolous analogies are the only thing that sustain them anymore.

I believe the children are the future...

2004-10-21T14:16:00.000-04:00

The kids of the nation have spoken and they have declared their choice for the next president of the United States.

Nickelodeon's You Pick the President program aired last night. All the ballots were cast and they announced John Kerry to be their choice.

The kids have successfully chosen the President in every single election they have been around to do this (or at least the popular vote, they chose Al Gore in 2000). Does this say anything about the upcoming election? I can't say. But at least we know Kerry gets the pre-youth vote.

Just like Jimmy Olsen...

2004-10-19T21:36:00.000-04:00

Check this out.

Yeah I know it's a mediocre review. (The show is much funnier than the reviewer lets on, I assure you.)

But check out that photo credit.

That's right. I knew I'd get my name into the Times one way or another.

No more secrets, please...

2004-10-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

This is shocking. The LA Times is reporting that the CIA is being forced to withhold a damning report about 9/11 that threatens to name names. Reportedly they won't be releasing the report till after the election.

The Bush administration is suppressing a CIA report on 9/11 until after the election, and this one names names. Although the report by the inspector general's office of the CIA was completed in June, it has not been made available to the congressional intelligence committees that mandated the study almost two years ago.

"It is infuriating that a report which shows that high-level people were not doing their jobs in a satisfactory manner before 9/11 is being suppressed," an intelligence official who has read the report told me, adding that "the report is potentially very embarrassing for the administration, because it makes it look like they weren't interested in terrorism before 9/11, or in holding people in the government responsible afterward."

When I asked about the report, Rep. Jane Harman (D-Venice), ranking Democratic member of the House Intelligence Committee, said she and committee Chairman Peter Hoekstra (R-Mich.) sent a letter 14 days ago asking for it to be delivered. "We believe that the CIA has been told not to distribute the report," she said. "We are very concerned."

We should all be concerned. They refused to support the 9/1 commision. Then begrudgingly allowed it, while doing their best to stonewall it at every turn. Now they won't let the CIA release their report because it may be embarassing for them. When does it end? We need another Daniel Ellsburg to be patriotic whistleblowers and release documents such as this. We don't have much time left to get these papers out there. If there is going to be an October surprise let it this be it and let's help Kerry shore this thing up.

Screw the village; it takes a reality-based community...

2004-10-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading The New York Times Magazine piece on the Bush presidentcy and faith. It's an extremely chilling story that everyone should look at before they cast their vote in 2 weeks. The piece focuses on Bush's consistant use of Messianic language and his stubborness and false confidence masquerading as faith. The author Ron Suskind has been far from the White House's good graces for some time, as a writer for Esquire and the author of The Price of Loyalty. But Suskind has talked to aides on the inside who try to explain the way they all think in the Bush administration. Apparently, they do not care to focus on reality or science or empirical rational. But don't take my word for it. By their own admission:

The aide said that guys like me were ''in what we call the reality-based community,'' which he defined as people who ''believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality.'' I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. ''That's not the way the world really works anymore,'' he continued. ''We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.''

This is the kind of righteous indignation that permeates this administration. This hubris is what will lose the election for them. That and their total incompetence. It's hard to wrap my head around people who think the way they do. But they tried to explain to Suskind the differences.

"And for those who don't get it? That was explained to me in late 2002 by Mark McKinnon, a longtime senior media adviser to Bush, who now runs his own consulting firm and helps the president. He started by challenging me. ''You think he's an idiot, don't you?'' I said, no, I didn't. ''No, you do, all of you do, up and down the West Coast, the East Coast, a few blocks in southern Manhattan called Wall Street. Let me clue you in. We don't care. You see, you're outnumbered 2 to 1 by folks in the big, wide middle of America, busy working people who don't read The New York Times or Washington Post or The L.A. Times. And you know what they like? They like the way he walks and the way he points, the way he exudes confidence. They have faith in him. And when you attack him for his malaprops, his jumbled syntax, it's good for us. Because you know what those folks don't like? They don't like you!'' In this instance, the final ''you,'' of course, meant the entire reality-based community.

They really do not have much respect or even understanding of most Americans in between coastlines. There are plenty of liberals in these states and plenty of good Republiacns who will stand up and say no to a leader who is getting closer and closer to the totlitarianism in language, if not entirely in deed. Faith is great for a lot of people. But blind faith in bad government is as unAmerican as it gets.

America is about invention, about equality, about hope, and about progress. But above all else it is about reality and enlightenment.

It's no about God, Mr. President. It's about people.

Why I could never be a Republican Part II...

2004-10-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

I've been accused of making sweeping generalizations about Republicans. While sweeping generalizations are my forte, I also back up said comments with real evidence. If anyone bothered to click the links in the post directly below this, they would find stories about the immense voter fraud that is occurring in the states I point out. But they are a lot of link and they all add up to a single point, so let me set it out a little clearer.

The links I point out all point to the same company that is suspected of tearing up Democratic voter registration forms. It has set up registration drives in Pennsylvania, Minnesota, Michigan, Ohio, West Virginia, Florida and Nevada and is accused of the same things in most of these states, so far. The organization is called Voters Outreach of America AKA America Votes (run by Republican consulting firm Sproul & Associates).

Now here's the part where one would say "well that's only a handful of Republicans and you can't say that of the party as a whole." Except for the fact that YOU CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THE PARTY AS A WHOLE!

KLAS-TV, Las Vegas:
"The company has been largely, if not entirely funded, by the Republican National Committee."

Help wanted ads for Voters Outreach of America say "Paid for by the Republican National Committee".

The Republican Party is funding these efforts. The link is direct and unambiguous.

The links someone posted anonymously to prove that Democrats are also involved in such shenanigans? A Puerto Rican organization sends in fraudulent registration forms. Democrats send out a flyer trying to encourage voter registration with an error on it. 501(c)(3) groups are spending money on political ads (that's right, the same type of group as the Swift Boat liars, which were made possible by a law signed by Bush). None of these links show any involvement by the Democratic Party in anything as malicious as tearing up the registration forms of those you disagree with.

People can try to turn the story into how awful it is that we have become so partisan as a nation, but that little bit of misdirection will not block the fact that deny people the right to vote is a hideous crime. This is something all Republicans need to know. You need to look yourselves in the face and ask how you can support a party that is so blatant in its disregard of democracy.

I don't think I am the one who needs to change his beliefs.

Why I could never be a Republican...

2004-10-14T15:19:00.000-04:00

In Colorado, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Florida, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Nevada, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Ohio, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Oregon, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Pennsylvania, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In West Virginia, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Minnesota, Republicans do not want people to vote.

In Wisconsin, Republicans do not want people to vote.

George Bush repeatedly talks about the need to spread freedom around the world. However, here at home, his own campaign has engaged in a nationwide effort to keep people from casting votes. Democrats on the other hand have done massive voter registration drives to increase the amount of participation.

The Democratic Party is the party of inclusion. The Republican Party is the party of disenfranchisement. Who are you going to vote for?

Third strike and you're out...

2004-10-13T23:13:00.000-04:00

The results of the third and final debates major news polls are all declaring Kerry the winner.

CBS News Poll
Kerry 39
Bush 25

CNN Focus Group
Of 24 on the panel
Kerry 10
Bush 7
Undecided 7

ABC News
Kerry 42
Bush 41

Oh what is that? ABC is a little too close for your liberal liking? Well unlike CBS's polling of undecideds, ABC's polls were of a mixed part make-up. 38% GOP, 30% Dem, 28% Independant. The voters are skewed and we still won!

But of course we did. America already trusts Kerry more on domestic issues. he was clam and collected. A Zen Master of political debate. Bush spent the night saying the answer to everything was education. If you are unemployed, uninsured,or discriminated against, it's because you are stupid. Well for someone who once called himself the education president , it's funny how many people got stupid under his watch. I wonder if it happened around the time he refused to fund his education initiative and left thousands of kids behind.

If Bush hoped to look presidential, his smirking ways and bad jokes killed his chances. Bush looks downright juvenile next to Kerry. Overeager, bad jokes, inappropriate smiles. And the height disparity doesn't do him any favors. Bush looks like he's looking up at Kerry when he talks. Maybe he should.

We all should.

What's a "flaty" anyway...

2004-10-12T17:43:00.000-04:00

What does one do with this thing?

Besides burn it, I mean.

Just kidding.

But what about Reba...

2004-10-12T17:01:00.000-04:00

Conservative Sinclair Broadcast Group is forcing its stations, which reach nearly one-quarter of the country's TV households, to pre-empt their programming days before the election to air a film that attacks John Kerry's anti-war activism.

That's the same conservative Sinclair Broadcast Group which refused to air an episode of Nightline because Dan Rather humanized the events in Iraq by having the gaul to read the names of all the dead American soldiers last spring. Sinclair officials said the program "appeared to be motivated by a political agenda."

Could this pre-emption decision by Sinclair possible be motivated by politics and therefore prove this station of hypocrisy? Well, let's see. The producer of the film, Carlton Sherwood, formerly worked for Pennsylvania governor Tom Ridge, whom George W. Bush later appointed as the first Secretary of Homeland Security. The Bush administration has selected Sherwood to create and manage a new federal website aimed at first responders (police officers, firefighters, etc). While working as a Ridge administration official, Sherwood directed then-Gov. Ridge's award-winning broadcast TV and radio operations in Harrisburg.

So the former right-wing propaganda flunky is airing a right-wing propaganda "news program" (that's how they are deciding to classify it) favoring the right-wing candidate just days before the election. That bad taste in your mouth right now, ladies and gentleman is called Carol Rove.

Today a filmmaker behind a new pro-John Kerry documentary offered it to Sinclair Broadcasting-- free of charge -- to see if the company is interested in showing its viewers a balanced presentation of the candidate. "My argument," says Paul Alexander, director of the critically-acclaimed "Brothers in Arms" film, which examines Kerry's experience in Vietnam, and casts him in a favorable light, "is if they're going to air 'Stolen Honor' then they should run my film, and preferably in the hour right after it. I'm sending them a letter tomorrow demanding that."Earlier this week as the controversy brewed, a Sinclair spokesman told the New York Times the company would consider running a Kerry documentary from a different perspective. Alexander's offer may effectively, and publicly, call Sinclair's bluff.

I'm all for free speech. And free speech means expressing our outrage when a major corporation with a history of right-wing bias tries to change the outcome of an election by airing a slanted, inaccurate documentary. Ther such a thing called the equal time rule in the broadcast regulations that says you must give an equal amount of time to all candidates if you give any time to either. Sinclairs license should be revoked if they blatantly break this rule because of some right-wing partisan decision.

So we have to tell them that we disagree with this decision. Contact their advertisers You can look them up locally here. Don't let these guys get away with this. Demand that they stop controlling the facts and let all sides be heard. This is a terrible abuse of OUR public airwaves and we will not stand for it.

Superman...

2004-10-11T09:54:00.000-04:00

Christopher Reeve died yesterday. I just found this out this morning as I woke up. I'm at a complete loss. It's very difficult to explain what that means to me.

I'm a comic book lover. Every Wednesday I go to the comic book store and purchase my funny books about the X-Men and Batman and many more. Above all else, though, I need to get my Superman fix. Superman has always been my hero (though I've always wanted to be Lois Lane more than anyone). Maybe it was the iconic nature of the character. Maybe it was the mild-mannered reporter side. Maybe it was the Superman Underoos. Whatever it was that resonated with me, it hasn't stopped to this day. Chris Reeve's portrayal of Superman in the movies went a long way to solidiying that heroic image in my head as a young kid. (Even Superman IV: The Quest for Peace is good for a laugh.)

When he fell off that horse and became paralyzed due to spinal cord damage, that was a tragedy. But he turned that around and became such a heartfelt and courageous activist while working hard to regain movement. And little by little he succeeded in small but significant ways. According to most medical professionals, he wasn't suposed to be able to get where he ended up.

In addition to his amazing physical achievements, he fought hard to advance medical breakthroughs through stem cell research. This was a man who when he left his home he had to bring with him an enire caravan of equipment. What would take a normal man half an hour, could take Reeve because of his condition half a day. But he was out there speaking to people suffering with similar injuries, lobbying Congress for stem cells, and talking with the media about his experiences. I keep thinking of that commercial where, through computer imagery, he was shown getting up out of his chair. I always thought how magnificent that would be if he was actually able to accomplish it. Instead, a man who could not walk yet refused to stop running has passed on. I just hope there are others willing and able to pick up the baton.

If anyone deserved to a second chance by spinning the world on it's axis in reverse to turn back time, it was this guy. You'll be missed.

And that's a good thing...

2004-10-09T19:12:00.000-04:00

I have been asked whether I was sarcastic when I claimed Martha Stewart responsible for empowering women. Now as often times as I utilize sarcasm here in The Cave, yesterday's comment about Martha was not one of them. (If O'Reilly can call his show "The Factor," I can call my blog "The Cave." It's ultra hip!)

See that aside? THAT was sarcasm.

Martha Stewart has made the concept of the home a valid arena for empowerment and self-expression. Martha has broken new ground—a brand of stealth feminism similar to Helen Gurley Brown, publisher of Cosmopolitan.

Feminists in Brown's time resented her magazine for catering to a "male fantasy" of the sexy, no-strings woman. Critics said it embraced women as nothing more than a sex object. But much like the critics who don't see Martha's positive effect, critics missed the point of Cosmo. Brown's aim was to reclaim sex, to derive pleasure from something once considered a woman's duty. Martha does the same, reclaiming and deriving pleasure from domesticity.

Beneath the veneer of Brown's sex talk and seduction advice was steel. Brown was not teaching girls to be geishas. She was teaching them to be bosses. Likewise, beneath the veneer of Martha's faux-finishing advice, there's more than steel wool. Stewart is not teaching women to be shrinking violets or stay-at-home moms. She's encouraging them to reclaim the home using 2-by-4s and a rotary saw.

Her ideas are so very empowering to average women. She makes them feel their chores and household drudgery could be transformed by creativity into something glamorous and unique. Those who compare her to a dutiful `50s wife and mother are mistaken; Martha is no nurturer; she is a skilled craftsman. When she proclaims a project "perfect," it's because she's satisfied herself, not a husband or child. That's feminism. Or at least a certain brand of it. And Martha's brand name (she's a capitalist as well!) represents just that to an awful lot of women.

I find it difficult to understand women who disregard Martha completely. Not your cup of tea? Fine. Not really like her? All right, though I think that is based mostly on a narrative of the press than anything. But I don't get those women who refuse to respect her accomplishments. It's the same type of personality of women that hates Hillary Clinton. Strong women get a bad rap from the public at large for being too "bitchy," and while that says a lot about our society, I would hope other women wouldn't internalize that misogyny.

Just because she comes off as a bitch in the press does not mean that she is not a pioneer. She has created her own opportunities and succeeded in the traditionally male-dominated world of business. She was writing books and publishing her magazine and doily-ing her house on TV well before this currecnt era of home design shows and food how-to's ever existed. She has taken the domestic activities and has made them honorable by building a multi-million dollar industry with them. Martha is a woman in charge of her own destiny, or at least she will be again when this whole prison thing finishes up.